Diary Of A Design Graduates Dreams

After months and months of job hunting... I have come to a standstill, and with it I seem to be having an identity crisis; designer or historian?  

Now technically as I have a degree in interior design the answer is designer... but no-one will give me a job so am I really?  So its made me wonder... did I choose the right degree?

I always thought I was one of the lucky ones... one of those few teenagers that knew what they wanted to do when they grew up, now I'm not so sure.  When I was 8 years old learning about the Tudors and Stuarts in Mrs Baker's class I fell in love with history... a long term love that never faded.  But then when I was 14 the designer inside me started to blossom.  I enjoy design, and I like to think I'm pretty good at it but now that my life has come to a halt I can't help but wonder if I pursued the wrong passion.

And now I'm stuck, I went down the dangerous route of a very specific degree because I would never get a job as an interior designer without it... maybe its just because I feel lost at the moment that I'm having these thoughts but I really do wonder if it would have been better to do history, I would have enjoyed it just as much and I would have left many more doors open...

Should I just ignore it, put it down to low self esteem at the moment due to the lack of interest from employers?  Or should I maybe pursue it, A* at GCSE and B at A Level doesn't look too shoddy on my CV, and my dissertation shows not only my ability to research and write but also my love of history...  I don't know, worth a try though I suppose.

I do not like rollercoasters.  I'm not one of them adrenaline junkies.  I'm a girl that likes to have a nice, safe, predictable life.  So the fact that my mind is currently on some insane rollercoaster is not my idea of a good time.  My mood has been up and down like a yo-yo, only now its starting to slow down, staying down and when it goes back up it never gets quite so high anymore.

This crazy rollercoaster started off with happiness at someone caring enough to give me an interview... it then dropped a bit because I figured I've never had a job before so why should this time be any different.  Back up for a short time after I booked my train tickets to London but then rapidly back down when fear set in.  And the fear remained for quite a few days, it didn't go away until I had left the interview, when my mood reached a new high.  They loved me, they said I was the best applicant so could my search finally be over?  But then of course, my mood swiftly dropped when her words started to echo around my mind, I'm over-qualified and is my heart in it, especially for a year.  And since that final drop, the yo-yo has been really hard to get back up again.  Any mention of the job by anyone and I just want the conversation to change, I don't know whats going on in my head so I can hardly express my unknown feelings to everyone else.  And then yesterday I thought I had pretty much decided that this was not the job for me, I had made up my mind.  My heart had won the battle, I was going to carry on searching for my dream.  Praying that something that could make me happy would come up.

And so then today it was back to job hunting, back to the soul destroying task of applying for job after job and just being ignored.  Do I really want to put myself through it all when there might be a way out?  Would I rather be miserable searching for a job, praying that someone takes an interest? Or would I rather be miserable in a job I don't want but is in London, pays well and is at least a job.  Well only time will tell if they offer me the job, then its the time when I really need to answer this question that has been on my mind for almost a week now.  Hopefully some words of wisdom from my best friend will give me the answer I need.

On Tuesday I had my first interview... finally.  I didn't write about it beforehand in an over-excited blog, because knowing my luck that would just jinx me.  It went pretty well. So why, since Tuesday, have I been nothing but confused?  I haven't even been offered  the job and I'm already getting myself all worked up about it.  As my dad said when he was advising me on it, its just what I do... I'm a worrier. A very BIG WORRIER.  I don't know why, sometimes it is totally unnecessary but I just can't help it... I like to tell myself that its better to worry and be pessimistic and then be happy with a more positive outcome, than be overly optimistic and positive and then deal with disappointment, but its bluddy stressful the worrying way.

The job in question is that of an administrator for an interior design company... good start to my career?  Problem is I think their designs are absolutely vile, everything I'm not and they want me to commit to the job for a year.  When I applied and went for the interview I really only saw it as a temporary thing to get me in to the design world and down in London while I look for something else.  Can I commit myself for a year, can I put my design dreams on hold for that long?   Did I work so hard for this?  Can I follow my own heart rather than do what everyone else says I should do?  If its offered to me and I take it, what if a job I would be happier in comes up?  If I turn it down, what if nothing else comes up?  And this bluddy financial, economic crisis nonsense... is this really a good time to be turning down opportunities???  So many questions, my head may soon explode!!!

I just dont know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is a weekend? For children its a chance to run around, play with friends, maybe go visit grandma, and generally just enjoy freedom from school. 

And then you grow up... I don't remember a time when I wasn't either doing work, or feeling guilty that I wasn't doing work on a weekend since I was about 15.  A lot to do with my workaholic nature I imagine.  But all the time when I was working away writing essays and designing schemes I couldn't help but look forward to a time in the future when weekends would become a time of freedom again.  And now I'm free!!!  I have that freedom that I so badly craved, so much freedom in fact that my whole life is basically a weekend; the house being emptier being the only real indication of it being a weekday.

Who would have ever thought that through all the hard work to get to where I am today, unemployment would ultimately be that hardest thing I would ever have to do???  Oh to be a carefree child again, when I could be a nerd and do maths at weekend because I enjoy it, not because I have to do it... And run around with friends, of course

Evening Primrose Oil... my saviour!!!  Men, do not fear , this is not the diary of a pre-menstrual woman.  I merely start with this reference as it is what led me to begin this blog... in addition to a summer full of the post-uni blues and unemployment. 

As I have avoided job hunting like the plague today in an attempt to keep my mood up I shall save employment talk until my next blog... to end this one I will leave you with another hilarious line from my youth, "Steven asked if I'd mind if he asks me out but he ain't doin til next week cos hes gettin pissed at weekend and dont wanna cheat and hurt me, aahhhhh <3"   How I can laugh at my chavvy teenage step sister when I used to come out with lines like that I do not know!!!