Diary Of A Design Graduates Dreams

I know that designs aren't always to everyone's tastes.  So I accept that in my career [when it eventually gets underway] I will have people that think what I have done is a hideous eyesore.  There were people on my course that made me wonder what on earth they were doing a degree in design for because they just didn't seem to have that 'design flair'.  But this is just an insult.  A huge slap in the face.  A few months ago I designed some leaflets for the step mothers shop.  I don't like her but I was doing it for my father so I did my best and created her a classy and sophisticated leaflet.  They have butchered it before but I took that as a one-off.  It would seem not, as today I found a pile of these pixelated, hideous insults sitting on the table.  At first, I was angry... if you don't like my work then at least tell me what you want and I will re-do it so that the images are still clear and the font is right.  At the very least just ask me for the font and stop using that vile creation.  The anger passed.  But what better way to say goodbye to the PMT than another good cry.  I would expect nothing else from the step mother, its the slap in the face from my father that hurts most.  The one man in every girls life that she is meant to be able to depend on.  I'm not saying I can't, I love my daddy and I can go to him for anything, and he will always be there for me but since the witch arrived on the scene about 4 years ago I feel like I've lost him to her.

But moving on from that because I need to get ready to go out so I need to think happier thoughts to stop the tears.  Good job nobody was in the house earlier today when I answered the door... to the wind.  Yes, it was so windy that it had moved the knocker on the front door.  Not just once, it did it 3 times in quick succession making it sound like a very convincing knock.  I thought maybe it was the postman so I jumped up and went to answer it.  There was no-one there, but the wind was so strong that it blew a canvas off the wall.  Thank goodness I was the only one in.  As if to continue mocking me after it just carried on knocking every 10 minutes or so.  I was tempted to answer a few times but wasn't risking the embarrassment again, if someone was there they could find the door bell.

I went to a wedding dress shop with father today.  Not because I'm secretly hiding a fiancé, but to apply for a job.  Not that I have suddenly become interested in the love business, just because the step mother saw an advert for it in the newspaper so I couldn't say no because it would look like I'm not looking properly.  In all honesty, if the shop had been an electricals shop or pet shop I probably would have said no, I couldn't do that in a million years but since watching Jeniffer Lopez in The Wedding Planner I have had a secret desire to be a wedding planner.  Perhaps selling wedding dresses can be my first step on this new career ladder.  Not one to do well in job applications I won't get my hopes up but I may dream tonight of being surrounded by beautiful white dresses all day every day.  After this I went to town with mother to find her some new shoes.  Now either mother isn't fully up to date with fashion, she tries her best but she is limited to only a few trends at a time, or I have awful taste.  I showed her a pair, her comment was "Don't you think they look a bit old grannyish?"  No mother, I wouldn't show you old grannyish shoes!  I thought they were quite nice for what she was looking for.  Anyone else want to insult my taste and eye for design today?

The Student Loan company are nagging at me for money.  They aren't having it, I don't have it.  Well, really they are just wishing to know what I am up to so they can figure out if they can start raping my bank account.  They supplied me a lovely envelope with the address pre-printed, but in the corner wrote "Affix stamp here".  The £12 and a half grand [plus £50 interest a month] I owe isn't enough, I have to get my own stamps too.  I understand that they have a lot of people to send these fancy envelopes to but to just pay the postage would be such a thoughtful and kind gesture.  If the £12 and a half grand I owe isn't enough then my interest alone should at least pay for a bit of postage?!?!!  Stingey!!!

"Only passions, great passion, can elevate the soul to great things"_ Doris Diderot.

At least my calendar is mood boosting today :D

Jobs Applied For_ 1
Tears_ 1
Favourite Song Lyric_ "Sooner or later, We'll be looking back on everything, And we'll laugh about it like we knew what all was happening"

"You PMS like a bitch, I would know"... The hormones have been playing up a bit again today, nothing too serious though.  Just the occassional mood swing.  Bring on the new pill on Sunday.  It has to work, it has a pink pack!

This morning was a sad morning.  I went downstairs for my good morning greeting from the doggies but when I got there the gate was open.  First thought was, of course, which idiot left the gate open and which room have the dogs got trapped in today?  But then, although Gizmo the Spaz would take this opportunity for escape and territory marking [generally every bed he can get to before he is caught], Corrie the Genius generally likes to lie in her bed and await praise for being a good girl.  So chances of both of them escaping were low.  Now, either some foul play had gone down... or it was hair cut time.  It was long overdue.  But after the woolly beasts I had become accustomed to, the naked dogs that returned were quite a shock.  Of course, Spaz came running up to me to show off his funky new look.  Corrie seemed a bit more shy about her new cut, embarrassed by her nakedness perhaps.  She no longer looks like a westie, more like a sheared sheep.  Still has her adorable food stained beard though, and looks much more full of life than the blinded dog that left this morning... although the harsh cut does make her look a lot more delicate and fragile than before.  Those little legs could break any minute.

So, today I thought it was about time I was freed from the prison that is my bedroom.  So I went in to town.  I wandered down with the Pussycat Dolls singing to me, about what sounded like making a sex tape.  I had very little to do in town other than go to the post office, but just as Gizmo likes to visit the beds every time he gets the chance to be free, I felt I should visit all my own terrirtory spots.  I have limited funds so I avoided clothes, I cannot leave without something.  But no matter how much will power I have, I can never avoid Boots.  I'm still rather unforgiving of the fact that I spend ALL my money in there but they wouldn't even give me a Christmas job.  But I did have a voucher for No7 so with all the money I spend in there I felt it was only fair that they give me good quality make-up for bargain prices.  It was bluddy cold out today though and I was only wearing a tshirt under my coat so I decided to take the bus home.  I would have waited for the next one if I had known there would be a girl discussing every aspect of her personal life on it.  And not quietly.

After this exciting day out, I did very little.  I created myself a new playlist on iTunes full of songs to make me smile and motivate me, a compilation Bridget Jones herself would be proud of.  I have also been contemplating the future of my fringe.  This week I havn't been 'feeling it' but then today, when I actually bothered to put in the effort to doing my hair properly for human viewing, I actually do quite like it.  But the maintainence?  I'll have to stick with it a few more weeks at least, the boyfriend would more than likely cry if I denied him of it so soon after treating him to it.  I'm not really sure what to do with myself tonight, or the rest of the weekend without the boyfriend.  A few hours which he would normally fill and I'm already out of ideas for how to entertain myself.  Mother asked me to go shoe shopping with her tomorrow, but with limited shops and certainly no beautiful Louboutin shoes to stare lovingly at I can't imagine it will live up to my Sex and the City dreams.  A nice fun outing with mother before a night out with the friends though so its all good

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
Favourite Song Lyric_ Life is a flower so precious in your hand, Carry on smiling and the world will smile with you

I contemplated a bubble bath... but sitting alone with nothing but bubbles and my own thoughts was probably not the best idea.  So I had a hot chocolate, a giant muffin [those gigantic chocolate ones from Tesco... technically a small cake really] and thought happy thoughts.

Happiness is The Boyfriend [perfect/as close to Kian from Westlife as I could find]
                          The Family [better than I could ever wish for] 
                          The Dogs [my best friends, hey will play with me even if no-one else will]
                          The Friends [far away, but very special]
                          The Things in Life Worth Looking Foward To [Saturday night, woop woop!]
                          The Degree [currently no help, but life goal achieved and reminder that I can do things!]
                          The Fitness [allows me to eat huge mini-cake size muffins with limited guilt]
                          The Phone [my lifeline]
                          The Love Box [soppy box of things from the boyfriend]
                          The TV [a temporary escape from reality]
                          The Tidy Bedroom [a chaotic messy room is a chaotic messy mind]
                          The Teddys [or am I the only one who tells her worries to cuddly toys?]
                          The Park [calm,  happiness and nature... evidence of miracles]

This PMT is still sucking but when I remind myself of happy things, and the fact that it is over in a few days so I can return to my miserable [but well hidden] self, I cheer up a bit.  I'm not going to lie to myself today and say that I'll be more productive tomorrow.  I won't, I'll have the same struggle to get out of bed but this won't last forever... I hope.

"Some things in life exist simply to make life BEAUTIFUL"

Favourite Song Lyric_ "Take A Moment To Love The One You Are. Learn To Accept Yourself"
Tears_ 0
Happy Thoughts_ 15,430
Sad Thoughts_ 15,429          
Mood Boosting Calories_ Best not to count!      

Little miss depressive appears to have escaped from her reinforced steel cage and is now running amok around my mind.  I've tried everything I can think of to release happier hormones around my body; exercise, chocolate [shame the two cancel each other out], evening primrose oil etc...  I am now lost for what to do. I have resorted to simply giving in to the bitch and having a good cry, hopeful that maybe once it is out of my system I will feel better.  From experience, I imagine not.  Once she is out, she likes to play around and enjoy as much freedom as she can.  Turning me in to a crying, moaning, self-pitying idiot.  So I'm not going to write much today.  In all honesty, I have very little to write because I havn't done much with myself.  All I can write is how crap she is making me believe my life is, and I don't like to write moany, whingey, 'woe is me' blogs so I won't give her that satisfaction of making me do it [with the exception of this short paragraph of course].  Instead I am just going to sit with cuddles the teddy bear and perhaps go up to mothers for some company after I have eaten.  If anyone understands it is surely the woman who suffered PMT for 20 years and has now replaced the mood swings with monthly pains.  How happy am I to have inherited these genes?  Thankyou mother!

Jobs Applied For_ 1
Tears_ 1
Upsetting Thoughts_ Too many
Minutes of Exercise_ 50 minutes [getting fitter, woop woop!]

Still not feeling up to the website task today, so I just didn't even bother attempting it. I've found it hard enough to get out of bed this week [not because I am tired or lazy, I just having bi-polar whispering to me telling me there is no point in getting up, there is nothing to do] so convincing myself to sit in front of my PC all day is becoming quite a task in itself.

I didn't want to sit around like a lazy slob though. So I tidied. I tidy a lot. It focuses my mind and makes me feel much happier in my environment. Judging from today's cleaning though, you would think I hadn't done it in years. I store things. Like a child, when mother tells you to tidy your room, everything goes under the bed. EVERYTHING. I had magazines dating back to 2005 under there. For a girl with dust allergies, its a surprise I'm not dead with the amount that was collecting under there. And how I didn't find a colony of spiders [not even one] under there is beyond me! Having reduced my magazine collections [because lets be fair, no matter what I told myself I was never going to read them again] I cleared out many hideous shoes and moisturisers that would probably bring me out in a rash they were so old. Then came the hardest part... the CD collection. In the age of the MP3 I do not know why I still feel such an attachment to my CD collection. Why do I feel the need to keep countless boyband albums? Having questioned this over and over I began the difficult task of parting with my beloved CDs, Westlife and Take That [and a couple other lucky ones] being the only true survivors in my life. The book collection followed, with titles such as 'Six Reasons To Stay A Virgin' and 'Girl Meets Ape' finally moving on to a new home. With all this mess being hidden around my room under the bed and in countless drawers I can see no real change to my room but I feel so much better, and [metaphorically] lighter, for ridding myself of so much unnecessary junk. The charity shops are going to LOVE me!

I havn't exercised today. I like to give myself a day off from it every now and again, a way of trying to convince me that I'm not so obsessive about it. All the tidying and dragging things down 2 flights of stairs today has more than made up for my lack of bouncing and thrusting about though

"Bringing a child into the house is the greatest act of hope there is"_ Louise Hart

So the cure to my hopelessness at the moment is a baby?  Not overly sure that is going to do the job.

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
Dusty sneezes_ 223,542,765

Jobless - Check
Pretty damn depressed about jobless state - Check.
Hormonal - Check.

2009 is my year!  The faeries said so.  The tarot cards said so.  And my horoscopes have been preparing me for a big move for some time now.  Someone must have forgotten to tell these magical powers about the recession.  Ripping off my calendar today I noticed the date.  Now, I was aware that it was late January.  But then it hit me, not only is it now the 26th, but February starts on Sunday!!!  One month down and 2009 is still not looking overly positive for me.  I'm trying my best, but with it being 'that time of the month' my Positive Mental Attitude is waning slightly.  

With my mood dropping today, I'm starting to question if these hormones are all merely part of a self-fulfilling prophecy.  If I had just ignored my pill schedule [and maybe taken Evening Primrose Oil just to be safe] would I be ok now?   Has my motivation dwindled and positivity withered because I feel that it should around now?  Well, its hard to know really.  I'm just grateful that, so far, I'm not feeling as bad as I have done the past few months.  Perhaps it is true that forewarned is forearmed?  Knowing that PMT was upon me, and not feeling like I had suddenly slumped in to depression like previous months means that my mind is prepared for it, and knows that my world is not caving in on me so positive thinking can go that bit further.  Fingers crossed!

With my panic that January is almost over came an intense job search.  As always I found a whole load of nothing.  But of course, with panic comes craziness.  So I applied for a couple that I have the skills for but will probably never hear back from.  With very little to apply for, I feel that I have to apply for everything I possibly can even if I truly doubt my chances.  If not then I feel like I'm doing nothing to help myself and deserve this crappy situation.  And I figure, if the ignorant people at the recruitment agencies never have the decency to reply to me, then I'll force them to look at applications that are a waste of time.  I still havn't heard back from one the other week that I could have done with my eyes closed.  I'm starting to lose hope again.  But what can I do?  If there are no jobs out there, there is nothing I can do.  Damn recession.  Damn it!!!

The step sister has been skiving off school today.  Why?  Because she was sick last night!  Being a bit of a geek in my school days, people like this annoy me.  With the exception of the one time that I fell asleep in RE, and being the teachers pet got sent to the sick room because something was obviously wrong with me [I was just tired and she had put on a dull video] I have never skived [well, there were 2 PE lessons but that really is it, I swear!].  The step sister, however, has made skiving a true skill.  She only goes to school 3 days a week as it is.  How she hopes to get any GCSEs I am not sure.  Now, when I questioned father on why she never goes, he said she had dropped one of her subjects and was waiting to get on a new one.  This was in October.  She still doesn't go.  When I was young, mother always told me that if I didn't go to school the police would arrest her.  Some parents really do need arresting for such awful parenting skills.  I thought last night was a break through.  After reading the note that said she had been sick [at about 8pm] so wouldn't be well enough to go to school, she had ripped it up and thrown it in the bin.  I was so hopeful that this was a turnaround.  But no, at half 11 this morning the step sister saunters down stairs and sits herself in front of the TV for the day.

America's Next Top Model tonight. Woop Woop!!!  The wait [a whole 4 weeks since the last season I think] is over!!!

Jobs Applied For_ 5
Tears_ 0
Worst Advert Seen_ Dairy Milk [wtf?]
Minutes of Succesful Exercise_ 45 [woop woop]
Chocolate Cravings_ Out of control!!!

Another weekend over.  I get two days a fortnight with the boyfriend.  Sometimes two weeks in a row when I'm lucky [generally when someone has other plans meaning it would be a long 3 weeks apart otherwise]  The two days are the fastest days ever.  I sit about in the week, with nothing to do and nothing to watch [until tomorrow night... brand new America's Next Top Model, woop woop!] and then he comes for the weekend and time couldn't possibly go any faster.

The hormones certainly seem to be on their way.  I've managed to keep them under control as much as possible this weekend to be the good girlfriend opposed to the psycho one that he can't wait to get away from.  Not too needy or crazy I like to think.  A slight hiccup this afternoon, but on the whole I like to think I've been on my best behaviour.  Entering the week of mood swings though.  I am fearful.  Having mild symptoms on the run-up to the hormone surge, I dread to think what this week shall bring.  Depression? Devastation? Hopelessness?  I cannot wait!  Perhaps if I keep up the exercise [I hear that exercise releases a chemical to make you happier?] and keep busy on the website [I now know how to make it a real website. Online and everything] I will have enough distractions and positive aspects to my life to get me through the week.

This weekend, love was certainly in the air in my house.  The dog had a visit.  From his girlfriend.  Now, girlfriend was the word father used to describe her.  I certainly wouldn't use this term.  The 'girlfriend' is in season.  So, as any good owner would do, the girlfriend came round for a night of passion with Gizmo.  Personally, I didn't think this would work.  Not the friendliest dog in the park; while Corrie is off barking at every dog she sees to make her superior presence known, Gizmo likes to stand back and wait for them to walk by.  Hes more a fan of human company, choosing to run people down by charging in to their legs hoping for love and recognition.  He proved me wrong though, never have I seen a dog so excited.  Panting.  Tail wagging.  Gizmo had the look of love in his eye.  Unfortunately, the girlfriend was terrified.  Not wanting Gizmo anywhere near her.  Then came some barking.  Ooooh, had he got her?  Had he successfully wooed her?  No!  She was running around the kitchen desperate to get away from him and hoping someone would free her from this hell.  Essentially, this was attempted rape.  But when it comes to dogs, people turn a blind eye and call it 'breeding'.  Probably didn't help that they had people in the room with them?  But having been left alone, it turned out that it just wasn't meant to be.  Ruby [who, if I'm honest, was an UGLY dog, was way below Gizmo's league and should not be bringing puppies in to this world] did not want any of Gizmo.  So home she went, leaving Gizmo's ego [and heart] shattered.  Like a love sick puppy he refused to eat his food, instead sniffing the floor where she had once been.  The floor has since been mopped to eradicate the smell of her, and Gizmo seems to have returned to his retarded self.

In other news... my red nailvarnish chipped after a day!  I bluddy well hate the stuff.  I love my nails painted, but only when its fresh and tify.  I have been gnawing them a lot recently so need to keep them covered, but there is nothing so annoying as chipped nailvarnish.  It just looks scruffy.  And I am no scruff!

Favourite song lyric of the day_ Now everything is cool as long as I'm getting thinner
Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0 [but watch this space]

Last night my mood dropped.  Checked the pill packet... still a few days away from the impending depression.  Nevertheless, I started the intake of Evening Primrose Oil, with such insane mood swings you can never be too prepared.  I went for a lie down on my bed then came to the conclusion that my only salvation was nail varnish.  When feeling down, what is better than having a girly moment sat on a comfy bed painting one's nails?  Nothing.  A bit of red nail varnish and I was sorted.  A true miracle.  A blessing to female [and cross-dressing] kind.  I'm not one of those 'I love black and white photos' types, they are nice enough but I love colour.  Colour makes me happy, bright and cheerful.  In my improved mood I came to the conclusion that way too much time spent in front of my computer had been to blame.  Not one to take risks though, I have been taking the Evening Primrose Oil today just to be safe.  Can't be risking mood swings while the boyfriend visits for the weekend.  Typical man who cannot understand that these irrational feelings and moods are not controllable.  Apparently a man would have no problem with it.

Clearly not one for learning lessons though, I have spent the whole day in front of the computer again.  My only real alternative is sitting in front of the TV and then I feel I'm not being productive.  I can't win.  I have been a busy girl though, the website is coming along nicely.  Not too much left to do to it now though.  But like any design I have created in the past, I have looked at this one too much and I am starting to hate it.  It could be so much better.  No-one is going to like it after all this.  All thoughts that I often have after I have seen my work for way tooooooooo long.  I do get some crazy satisfaction from playing with the links on my computer, pretending it is already a working website.  So proud and happy with myself for learning how to do something new after my brain's 6 month holiday.  Whatever will I learn next? Maybe how to do a press-up so I don't feel naughty when I sit that part out in my exercising.  I still can't even master the girly one, nevermind a full-on man press-up.

i've had my iTunes on random today... overplayed my 3 main albums of the moment so thought I would give them a break.  but why do I have half the music that I have???  It is my music.  It is my random mix of jumbled up tastes.  It is all stuff that I have loved and overplayed in the past.  So why do I skip past so many of them?  Maybe back to the overplayed 3 for the rest of the day, because I spend more time skipping than I do actually listening to songs.  Did have a bit of a smile to myself though when the conga came on.

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
Litres of Vimto Flowing Through Me_ Too many

After my insane football ranting blog last night, I wish to let you all know that I am back to normal.  Like the grown-ups say "It's only a game"  Wise words but to a competitive girl that does not like to lose, its just not that simple.  Nothing wrong with a bit of competitive spirit.  But people don't like to be on my team in games.  Competition brings out a monster in me.  I do not lose.  When I do, it may take me a few hours of quiet to come out of my mood.  But you probably learnt that already if you read last night's rant.  We so should have won though! :P

My weight obsession is going off the scales now [ironic considering our bathroom scales have a dead battery so I can't obsessively check that every day]  It is getting me fitter though.  I managed 45 minutes of exercise today without feeling like I was about to die... with a 2 minute break in the middle to save my desk from the books crashing down on it from the tornado through my window.  This, however, is not the insanity.  Exercise is healthy.  Fitness isn't something frowned upon.  Buying in to ridiculous advertising that tells me that a gel-cream will 'slim and reshape' me is verging more towards the crazy side of body image obsession.  Apparently the white tea [known for it natural fat reducing properties] will slim me, and the anis extract [known to lead to increased collagen production] will reshape me.  Reducing food intake and increasing exercise simply wasn't enough.  I have completely lost my mind and invested in some silly cream which is likely to do nothing but moisturise me like any other.  Only I don't need moisturing, my skin is blessed and requires nothing but nature to make it silky soft.  Rather than buying cream I should be maybe contemplating spending my money on a psychiatrist to help me get to the root cause of my insanity!  I still stand by my claim that it is the mothers obsessive dieting and exercise in my childhood that caused this.

I have been a bit slack on the website production today.  Vanity has completely taken over my day with exercising and then dying my hair a slightly darker shade of brown than it already was.  I then put on my make-up for a 2 minute walk up to Spar.  The real world cannot see the real me.  No plans for tonight, and as far as I know there is nothing worth my viewing on the telly box so I still have plenty of hours to make up for my tardiness.  

Now, as you all know.  My knickers were stolen went missing.  And I was delighted when they reappeared.  The situation, however, is getting out of control.  Just the other day, I spotted ANOTHER pair of my knickers in a pile of clean clothes destined for the step sisters room.  I spotted this error just in time.  Another pair could have been stolen gone missing!  Then today whilst putting some washing in the machine I spotted a top of mine.  Alone.  Now, I will accept that there is a chance that I accidently dropped it last time I did washing.  But it smelt of smoke [I am not a smoker, and can think of no other reason it would smell so smokey without being in a smokey environment... which the wash room is not].  It was, once again, within the step sisters washing.  Now, I am not pointing the finger.  Well, I am.  But 3 times in a short time is a bit too much for a coincidence...  Or maybe I just need to give my mind a bit more to do with itself instead of coming up with crazy theories about clothes theft.

"Where there is great love, there are always miracles"_ Willa Cather.

I have no comment on today's quote, I just liked it :D

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
Sleeps Until I See The Boyfriend_ 1
Moments of Vanity_ 4

Gutted. Gobsmacked. Baffled. Heart-broken. Devastated.  All because of the boyfriend.

It's all his fault.  I watched things like the World Cup and the occassional FA Cup Final [and I was one of those rare girls that knew the offside rule] but I never had a real interest in football.  And then he came along.  Totally obsessed with football.  The type of boyfriend that loves football more than his girlfriend.  I was having none of that though.  Myabe he would love me on the same level if I was in to football too?  I showed an interest.  But I didn't see this coming!  I have become a true fan of football.  I follow it rather obsessively, and recognise way too many players not only by name, but by face when I watch it.  I can't get enough of it.

No more though, I am giving up football.  It hurts too much.  Not since Switzerland went out of the World Cup in 2006 have I felt so devastated and numb [I admit.  I am a traitor to my country, my heart lies with Switzerland I'm afraid... initially I chose them because they were the underdogs/fittest team but I grew to love them]

In case you havn't clocked on yet... Burnley lost tonight.  A totally unfair defeat.  My tactic to be pessimistic worked.  From the terrible 4-1 loss 2 weeks ago they came back.  Now, I didn't see any of the goals other than in replays.  So I adjusted my tactics.  After goal number 1 I got hopeful.  But no more goals.  So part tactic, part realisation that this was an impossible achievement I gave up paying attention.  Then comes goal number 2. OMG!!! But then it gets to 93 minutes and they are never going to win.  So I give up on them again.  And I just don't know how it happened, I really don't.  I was more concerned by the chaos in the room and the crazy screaming commentator.  I was beyond happy, I was shaking! I could not believe it!  Even the screaming boyfriend down the phone was supporting Burnley for once.  So hope was back, AGAIN!  Then came extra time.  They really couldn't do it.  As much hope as I had, memories of 4-1 came flooding back.  They had no chance.  But 27 minutes in to it who wouldn't believe that they had won this.  That they had achieved the unachievable!!!  And then, I'm still not watching through fear.  GOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!  To the other team.  The mother looked like she was crying. The little brother looked like he was crying.  The step father stormed out of the room.  I just sat.  Absolutely numb.  I was gobsmacked.  So close, yet so far.  But still 2 minutes.  This was surely a match of miracles.  We could get another one!  GOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!  To the other team.  I was beyond numb now, my body had gone in to a comatose state.  It shut down.  Robbed of glory in the final 2 minutes.  I didn't expect to win so I could have coped with one goal [well I couldn't, I went numb but it would have been more manageable] but a second goal was just rubbing it in.  I hope the scum get relegated.  I felt quite sorry for them being low in the Premiership and hoped they would improve.  I now hope they drop as far down as possible and have to play Sunday League football.

But, as I don't want to come across as a football maniac [or sports writer wannabe] I shall stop there.  And I repeat, this is all the boyfriend's fault.  I give up football as of now!  From shaking with delight to being numb with disappointment is something best left to the men.  I'm going to go cheer myself up with my new book.

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."_ Hebrews 11:1

So close!!!

Tears_ 0
Moments of Ecstacy_ 3
Moments of Despair_ 2
Breaths of Fear_ Countless

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."_ Hebrews 11:1

That was the calendar quote of the day but in town to day, two old ladies made me smile with their own little quote of the day...

Old lady Number One  "Keep plodding on"
Old lady Number Two  "Every day is a bonus"

How insightful, or maybe just true for the poor old folks.  I do like hearing what old people have to say

Soon after, it was time for my fortnightly trip to the Job Centre.  Highlight of my life!!!  To say unemployment is on the rise, and there is meant to be more people relying on the job centre than before, I have never seen it so dead.  Burnley's supermarkets must be taking on lots of new staff!!!  I can think of no other logical reason why fewer people than normal are in there.  It was when I was leaving that I got, quite possibly, the best quote of the day from a chav.  I was just walking out, keeping my head down as I do incase anyone around recognises me, when I overheard one of the typical Job Centre type scum say "She was talking down to me.  Only thing I can do in my defense is shout back at her."  Now, of course, this isn't really my quote of the day.  That is the most ridiculous thing I have heard all day... perhaps using the ounce of intelligence, that surely anyone has from basic Junior school education, you would see that shouting rarely solves a problem.  And, if shouting is all you are really capable of , she isn't really talking down to you, she is actually talking to you on the level that she believes you are at and will understand.  I do have a strong dislike of the people in my town.  There seems to have been something in the air today though.  The chavs have been more out of control than normal.  Not that there were fights around every corner, just that they seemed to be on something.  Acting more menacing and threatening than normal.  I heard a lot of shouting and aggressive bottle kicking.  It really is no wonder that I cross the road when I see 12 year olds with their pants tucked in their socks.  Rowdy bunch of hooligans!!!  And as the boyfriend pointed out at weekend, my town has only chavs or emos... no inbetweeners that are normal.  It really is quite a surprise that I survived my teenage years and came out normal.

After my busy day working on my website yesterday, today I decided to write a list of all the portfolio items I need to include.  Quite a bit more than I thought so a much bigger task than I anticipated.  Hopefully worth it though.  And seeing my work again is refreshing, reminds me why I want to be a designer and the happiness that the stress brings with it.  Stress, however, seems to be showing itself more recently.  Although, not so much stress, more worries.  I am a worrier.  A big worrier.  I've managed to control it for a while, but my brain is starting to get back at me now.  I'm happy in the day, and my website is making me feel like my life has some sort of purpose again.  But when I go to bed at night my jobless worries haunt me.  Not in my dreams, my dreams seem to have become obsessed with teeth, if I'm not dreaming about them falling out I'm dreaming about toothpaste.  A sign that I maybe need to get out more?  Its just before I drop off that the worries come to haunt me.  My heart tightens and panic sets in.  My mind tries to convince me I'm going to be stuck in this rut forever.  And I believe it.  Just doesn't want me to be happy.  As hard as I try to keep up the new years resolution there is some evil little devil in my mind trying to convince me that it isn't worth it.  But hey, at least I'm not crying all day every day.  So I'll put up with the devil for now... even if he is an annoying little git, the magical sheep that I count to distract my mind always seem to get rid of him.

The home team are playing again tonight... although at a slight 4-1 disadvantage against a premiership team.  Am I optimistic? No.  Mother is convinced that being at home gives them a chance.  But Burnley well and truly kicking the arse of Spurs just isn't realistic in the slightest.  Although it does seem to be when I'm pessimistic about their chances that they prove me wrong.  So who knows?  Although, maybe the fact that I'm relying on that means I'm secretly optimistic, therefore jinxing them?  Not that it matters, apparently just having me watch them jinxes them enough.  

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
Falls on Icy Ground_ 0

For the first time in a long time, I actually feel like I have done something productive with my day.  Granted not all day, baby steps and all that, but for the whole of the afternoon I have been working on my website.  I forgot how it feels to be proud of myself for working hard and being able to get creative.  The only creativity in my life since graduating has been the constant re-designing of my CV.  And since I have been happy with that since November I have been feeling rather unchallenged in my creative life.  There were the few design tasks I was set by my dad for the step mothers bag shop but because she knows more about design than me (with her 2 O-Levels and years in Tesco) my designs are no longer used... rather just snippets of my designs with her own tacky Brush Script text alongside.  If there are 2 fonts that I hate more than anything it is Brush Script and Comic Sans so to see one of them tarnishing my work was like a knife to the heart!!!  I'm not her biggest fan but as my inheritance is on the line I did the best designing I could for her shop and she just turned her nose up at it.  How rude!

The brother hasn't been around much since he started his job a couple of weeks ago.  Only really comes home to shower.  But after years of torture and bladder training I can now sit back and laugh while he showers for an hour and the step sister shouts at him to get out.  I can hear her shouting now, asking him to hurry up... unlucky though, I heard him go in only 10 minutes ago, she has a long wait ahead of her.  Its always best at weekends.  Being a teenager she likes to stay in bed until daylight has pretty much given up for the day.  I can sympathise.  Quite often I wake up feeling like someone has put me on a drip for the night to fill my bladder to bursting point.  But at the same time, she should learn her lesson.  First steps up the brother for his shower.  About an hour later he emerges from the steam filled room.  But too slow, because in I dash.  Probably dashing because I've been pretty desperate to get in there with my, by now, overflowing bladder.  And, although my showers don't take quite so long, I don't like to hurry myself on a weekend.  So thats at least another half an hour of waiting.  But has she ever learnt her lesson yet? No.  Its always best when she starts shouting.  Personally, I slow down at this point.  Not because I'm cruel.  I just appreciate 'please' more than 'f**k'.

I sound quite nasty today.  I'm not.  I just really don't get on with the step family.  And a rant is surely healthier than giving them dirty looks when I see them about the house.  I don't really have much to report today to make me sound nice again.  I feel my bladder may hav shrunk to the size of a pea.  Doesn't help that I've drank 2 litres of orange squash but the amount of yo-yoing I have done up and down to the bathroom is easily enough to make up for not exercising today.  Quite odd really, most productive day I have had in ages but I can think of nothing to report but designing and bathrooms.  Oh well, its my favourite day tomorrow... Job Centre Day!!!  Woop Woop!!!

Jobs Applied For_ 1
Tears_ 0
Trips to the Bathroom_ 154,215,165 (approximately)

Well, today I learnt why snow is certainly a pleasure reserved for children.  It didn't snow over night so I thought it was my lucky day.  But it rained, not ideal but not a danger at least.  Then came the snow.  I still felt I would be safe, after all it couldn't get too bad in an hour could it?  Wrong!!!  Walking to the school wasn't too bad but it was all down hill from there.  First, I lost my brother.  Well, not really lost, just never found him.  I went inside to see if they were keeping them in there because of the weather but no, so I went back outside and had a look around, trying not to slip and looking like a terrified seal at the sight of rowdy 10 year old boys with snowballs.  Still no sign so I went back in to the safety of the school where I found him coming out of the office.  Mother warned him I might forget him so gave him my number to phone me if I did.  So not only did my mother not trust me to remember my own little brother, but the school think I'm some awful forgetful sister.  Then came the walk home, more near misses than I wish to think about.  I was like an old woman grabbing on to my brother to keep me up.  Finally got home and just a few houses down there had been a car crash.  Now that is some bad snow, and all in just an hour!  I won't be underestmating weather again.

Its not just children that love snow though.  My dogs react like they have died and are bouncing around on heavenly clouds.  They ran straight out the second I opened the door.  Corrie so excited she was making lots of yellow snow, Gizmo so retarded he was sniffing it.  Not one for games, Gizmo just went for a run around but have you ever played fetch with snowballs?  The excitement of having a ball thrown, but then not being able to find it.  Or if they do manage to track its flight, then seeing it just vanish before them.  Seemingly quite a cruel game but she never stopped wanting to play, hopeful that maybe one of them would survive the landing impact.  In all honesty though, I'm quite sick of all this snow we have had this winter, it is just one big slipping hazard and after a couple of pretty snow scenes it just becomes an annoyance.

Other than my adventures in the snow though, it has been a typical Monday.  No jobs to apply to.  Not really much to do with myself.  So I did my exercise and watched some America's Next Top Model.  Spent hours trying to come up with an amazing Valentines Day present idea, and failed miserably.  I hate to be unprepared so I feel I have this week and next to figure it out.  Really struggling though, been together too long now, I've used up all my ace ideas and he has used the others so I can't just copy them.  Maybe just a nice box of chocolates for the boyfriend this year, really make him believe that I'm one of those 'Feeder' types trying to fatten him up.  Today was meant to be a day for doing my website but with the interruption to my normal schedule by having the little brother meant that I just didn't really find the time to sit down to it.  So tonight I'm attempting an early night.  I've mastered my fitness regime now, and the whole 'be happy' resolution is (for the time being) going well so my next goal is to manage my sleeping habits.  I didn't get to sleep until 2 yesterday.  I want to sleep like a normal person.  So I'm going to take advantage of my tiredness tonight and tuck up at a reasonable hour to kick-start my sleep well mission.

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
Snow Falls_ 0
Near Misses_ Countless

Booooo... My 11 day run of blogging has ended.  I did so well.  But in my defence the boyfriend came for a visit, and what sort of girl sits blogging about missing knickers when there is a handsome man around.  

Speaking of the missing knickers... this morning (well more like lunchtime, when I eventually came out of my slumber after the boyfriend kept me up chatting and reminiscing until 4) when I went down stairs, to my surprise and utter delight I saw them.  Sitting on the radiator.  It was like Christmas morning!  So, in the spirit of new clothes at Christmas, as soon as I had showered I put them on... with matching bra of course :D  Father tried to convince me he had found them in his underwear drawer... I say tried to convince, what I really mean is he actually did convince me until the step mother took pity on my guillibilty and said they had been hiding under a load of washing in the wash room.

So, tomorrow it is back to the standard search for non-existant jobs and checking emails for recent job replies.  Will the office assistant job reply soon?  If not, then I may go join the circus.  Only problem with that, I don't even have any skills for a circus... got the juggling skills of an elephant, got the balance of a cow (cow tipping brings me to the conclusion they lack balance), and I'm scared of clowns.  Even if I were to go down the clown route the best I could hope for is a children's party entertainer with my inability to tell a joke and poor balloon modelling skills, giraffes all round!  My recent dreams, however, have been signalling a crossroads in my life.  Or at least thats what the dream interpretation website told me.  I've had the same type of dream a few times in the past, basically my teeth fall out.  Which according to dream interpretation shows I'm in a period of change in my life, as children shed their milkteeth a dream of this type is apparently an example of shedding your current self for the next phase in life.  Or it could just be that I got an electric toothbrush a couple of weeks ago so I have become a bit obsessed about my teeth... 

Mother has asked me to pick up the brother from school tomorrow.  But apparently BBC is forecasting heavy snow.  Will my cow like balancing skills keep me up on slush?  Personally, I would rather have the arctic-like winds that were thrown at us walking the dogs around the park this afternoon, than have to set off half an hour early to take on the slippy slush up to the school.

Favourite Song Lyric of the Day_ I'm still here but it hasn't been easy
Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
Knickers Found_ 1 (woop woop, finally!)

I love Spanish music.  Cannot understand a single word of it but I do love it.  I'm not so cultural that I have lots of it, I just have the random Spanish songs that people like Jeniffer Lopez do.  I always want to sing along, if only German was a nicer language, I could maybe manage that.  But no, all Germans have is 'Neun-und-neunzig Luft Balloons' and the jos of German lessons Roli and Rita 'Was ist deine Lieblingsfach'.  Awful but oh so rememberable!

Today I got pumping it up with a bit of Ministry of Sound again.  The only workout video I have ever enjoyed and not found overly cringeworthy.  But so much crotch thrusting hurts my thighs.  I did a bit better today, determined to prove my Wii Fitness age wrong.  I battled through the aching arms, generally couldnt feel them and thought I was healed.  Then took my top off to shower and OUCH!!!  I suppose it isn't too bad, as I don't take my top off that many times in a day so its a pain I can cope with but with such thrusting abilities it is a shame I won't also be able to seductively remove my top this weekend. Not that my clumsy nature ever really allows for seductive removal of clothes, I have to hold on to something while I fall about getting my jeans off and you can guarantee one arm will always be an awkward bugger in a sleeve.

Went to fat club with my mother today.  She blames us children but in reality it is because she ate crap that she put on weight.  After having me and the oldest kid brother she went straight back to her thin self.  In all fairness I think she damaged me from childhood with her constant dieting and exercising, I was never going to grow up with a normal body image and eating habits.  But then she left the father, got herself up the duff by the school caretaker [who I now love muchly as the stepfather but at the time was the evil man that stole my mother] and then never really recovered her weight.  She went from the tee-total vegitarian man that is my father to the beer-guzzling meat eater that is my step-father.  She was doomed.  But she has turned over a new leaf, and is on a weight loss mission with Slimming World.  I thought it would be nice to go along with her this week.  Not to join, just as a nice mother-daughter bonding session.  She loves to show me off to her friends, and where better than a weight-loss club. "Your daughter is so pretty".  "Well, where do you think she gets it from? I used to be that thin once".  They then both commented that they wish it was still so easy to be as thin as me.  So I revealed my secret of just not eating properly.  Mother now thinks I'm anorexic_ "Would you like a Slimming World chocolate bar? Its not fatty", "What do you want for tea, do you want one of my Slimming World burgers, they are very low in fat".  Big mistake to reveal the eating disorder to mother.  She will have a low-fat drip ready to attach to me next time I go up.

In other news... today I applied for a job!!! Yes, first one in about a week.   Finally a job for me to apply to!!! I'm getting myself ready to kick up a fuss if they don't reply because it asked for a recent photo, which surely indicates early signs of discrimination.  I sent a pretty one so that if there are men involved I can appeal to the perves.  Discrimination is only bad when it is against you.  The jobmarket is tough right now, every girl for herself out there. 

Jobs Applied For_ 1
Tears_ 0
Knickers Found_ I searched my underwear drawer and the wash room today and still 0!!!

"In the right light, at the right time, everything is extraordinary."_ Aaron Rose

Today's inspirational quote made me smile. A rare one too, in that it isn't telling me how wonderful it is to be a parent. My calendar, so far, has been giving me a few too many quotes about being a mother, still a few years from popping one out so they do little for me really.

After a comment yesterday about my star sign being a possible reason for lil miss manic depressive renting out a space in my mind I decided to go google. I read my horoscopes. I'm addicted. But I only read them to see what they have to say; their use of generic terms and scenarios make them easy to believe in and relate to your life but generally I just read them for a bit of a happy boost. "They often know what other people are thinking and what their next moves are going to be" - NO. "Scorpios are secretive, yet other people tend to tell them their own secrets" - NO, everyone knows what is going on in my life and thoughts, and I certainly can't keep other people's secrets... as an ex best friend discovered when she told me she might be pregnant but fell out with me a few days later. "Scorpios are usually interested in extreme sports" - NO, worlds biggest scaredy cat right here. "Brave and Cool Under Pressure" - NO, just no. "Most Scorpios are not squeamish" - NO, ha! Even nose bleeds turn my stomach. I will admit in some areas it got me right- Prone to suspicion and vengefulness, hard worker, and a need for control. But with EVERYTHING it got wrong, I have to say I'm still not a big believer in this whole star sign/horoscope thing. Not that it will stop me reading them all the time though.

After discovering yesterday that I'm back to being about as fit as a tortoise, and waking up this morning with the aching body to back up this finding, I tried out a bit of Wii Fit. Apparently I have the fitness of a 37 year old. How did it assess this though? By testing my balance!!! I am a clumsy girl, so in my opinion this is a highly unfair judgement! Yes, I fall over a lot and drop things but how does this reflect my overall fitness? If it had asked me to run for 10 minutes and I had given up after 3 then I might accept that I have such crap fitness but it didn't, it asked me to alter my balance a couple of times, and from that it judged I am unfit. Harsh! Think I will stick to basic exercise and use my sweat levels, cherry red face and recovery aches to judge my altering fitness.

So, today I went to see my long lost friend Phil. I only ever get to see him on TV nowadays, he has forgotten us little people now that he has made it to the dizzy heights of stardom with his appearance in a Confused.com commercial on tv. Yes people, that crazy boy who draws a smiley face on his hand, is my best friend... can't beat a bit of name dropping. But really, I was astonished at his level of fame from his video blogs. I was aware of the strange fanclub he has on Facebook, but the huge pile of fanmail I was not prepared for. Mainly from America and Canada. It would seem that people on that side of the Atlantic are a bit weird and deranged. I didn't even send fanmail to Westlife, and I love them!!! So to send letters, pictures, even a huge cuddly toy to some random boy on the internet freaked me out a bit. Some people need to get out a bit more! It was a nice day though, once he calmed himself down to the Phil that I know rather than the 'amazingphil' that the world appears to love.

Blonde moment of the day--
Phil "I was just sitting in here last night watching the dark (k)night"
Me "What, the dark night out there? Why?"
In my defence, it is impossible to tell them apart when the K is silent.  Obvious when written down but when said out loud in a room with huge glass patio doors it is an easy mistake to make

So, another naughty day of no jobs. But I did have a check last night. And was actually shocked by one of the worst adverts I have seen so far. Lowest paid job I have seen yet but still asking for experience. And when it came to software, merely "the usual" was the specification.

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
Aches_ Too many
Knickers Found_ 0
Goals Scored for Me by the Boyfriend_ 0
Days Left Until I See The Boyfriend_ 1 

I braved it.  Phoned the hairdressers this morning and got an appointment for this afternoon.  Figured it best to go asap before I chicken out, as I have done the last few times.  I like my hair, but I've been getting bored of it recently.  Every girl likes the "Oooooh, have you had your hair cut" line, and having the same cut every time has meant I've been low on these comments the past few visits because I just don't look any different.  So I did it.  I fringed it!!!  Now at first I was full of regret, she chopped it so long to start that I was sat there looking in the mirror at one of them extreme, inspirational opposed to functional, hair models with a fringe down to my nose.  Still feeling regretful as she chopped away at it.  Had I been brave or downright stupid?  Gradually she cut in to it and it started to grow on me.  Having not had a fringe for a few years it feels odd having it on my face but the boyfriend loves it and it was the first time I've ever come out of the hairdressers not feeling the need to go home and restyle it myself.  Got home to the comment from my dad "Ooooooh, have you had your hair cut".  Now, this may have been the response I was going for but with it being so obvious that I have, I was quite confused as to why he had to ask

Last night I watched 'Half Ton Son' on channel 4.  These shows never really work for me.  I imagine most people see them, and feel disgusted and don't want to touch food.  I was just hungry the whole way through, happy in the knowledge that one bag of crisps wouldn't lead me to such an extreme fatty.  But then there is the opposite style of program.  'Extreme Skinny Celebrities'... these programs do not seem to do their job properly for me.  I imagine they are meant to teach me to eat sensibly and show how insane these people's eating habits are.  Instead though they set off the anorexic that lives in my head, she is quite good friends with the manic depressive up there.  They make me wonder, if they can do it then why can't I?  Why is my will power so crap compared to theirs, the only way I lose weight is by getting too depressed to eat.

So today, when I was rudely awoken from my insanely happy comfy sleep by the step sister blasting out NDubz in her room under me, I decided to get back to exercising.  The fatty made me want a bag of crisps, but then my anorexic mind was absolutely disgusted by it and forced me to work it off.  I havn't done this for a few weeks, but before that I had gone for years without exercising.  So why did I feel more dead after a few weeks break than I did after a few years break.  I thought I was going to have a heart attack, when did I get so unfit???  So looks like I'm back to regular exercise... a new goal of becoming a kinetic machine capable of running a marathon in the desert without needing to stop once for water.  Now, I know that they always say that generally wanting to be thin won't make you happy, its down to deeper psychological reasons.  But having dropped a dress size from not eating much in my depressed state, I can honestly say that they are wrong.  I am happier now that I am thinner.  Although, also slightly insane because I have lost all focus.  I am now the size I have always wanted to be but if I can be that size why can't I be one size smaller?  Ok, maybe they might have a point because happy as I am, I am now not satisfied with what I thought I would be.  Not to worry though, hunger always gets the better of me sooner or later.

Tonight I need to spend some time on the job search, been a bit of a job free day.  I'm starting to feel very naughty to need to get back on that or I'm going to have to just start doing the lottery.  But hey, at least I've been feeling happier so giving myself a break from the depressing search hasn't been totally in vain.  No-one wants to employ a crying fool.

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
Knickers Found_ 0
Days of Not Watching Depressing News_ 5ish

I was tired this morning.  So tired I could have slept right through until tomorrow.  But I had to be up, so a day of sleep wasn't an option.  But is tiredness really an excuse for putting on a jumper backwards?  It doesn't make a huge difference, in fact almost impossible to tell front from back when it is on.  But still, even a young child can dress themselves properly.  And it wasn't until about an hour ago that I even noticed my label was at the front. Slightly retarded, yes.  But I will argue to the death that it is impossible to tell and a perfectly easy mistake to make.

I don't like Mondays.  My weekends seem to last 3 days because I just can't seem to get motivated on Mondays.  It doesn't help that it is always a quiet day on the job front.  Job websites, and emails, are always rather bare.  Today I found a few.  But as per usual, I lack experience.  Today an advert specified they wanted someone of graduate calibre but also with 3 years experience.  Once I reach the 3 year experience mark I would like to be  to be seen as beyond 'graduate calibre'.  

So, an uneventful day on the whole.  All I have really managed is a trip to the doctors, which took up a whole 15 minutes of my day.  I'm contemplating a haircut this week, its been a few months now.  I fear if I leave it too long the hairdresser will be disgusted and lecturing me about not having regular cuts.  I do also feel my hair has got rather flat and lifeless recently.  And with a new year comes the question... new style?  After a year of my boyfriend politely requesting, or you could call it nagging, I am once again contemplating a fringe.  So far I have decided against it every time.  I do like the thought, but having had one for years, I've quite liked being free of it... especially when I look back on photos and wondered why I EVER thought it was a good look?  Who knows, maybe I will go for one that I can easily brush to the side if I change my mind.

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
Knickers Found_ STILL 0!!!

Change of plans... So too many people feared the infected one so that was cancelled.  Luckily I was feeling well enough, and way beyond bored enough, to venture in to chavtown for the night.  I have to say that it was much more fun than I expected.  Oh, how I miss the days of dancing the night away and not caring if I look like a total idiot to those around me.  I may be a trained dancer, with certificates to prove it, but when under alcoholic influence all that skill goes out of the window.  It becomes a mixture of bum wiggling and random hand movements.  But I like to think this actually helps me fit in better, I don't live in a film so busting out some well choreographed moves in the middle of a dancefloor most likely wouldn't kickstart my career and see me dancing with Janet Jackson next week.  Looking back over the photographic evidence of my night, I guess you could say I was rather highly intoxicated.  Dancing with a traffic light for about 15 minutes, whilst also believing I could direct traffic by putting out my hand and shouting stop when the light was red.  Fortunately my untagging mission today was unncecessary, by come miracle, despite my state, I managed to look nice on the photos... of which there were a LOT, someone got snap happy! 

After my night as a chav I woke up feeling so dehydrated.  So I stumbled about at 6 in the morning to get myself a drink, then went back to sleep.  Now I am one of the lucky few who do not suffer hangovers.  However, unlike a lot of people, alcohol makes me unable to sleep... which I discovered last week when I was lying about in bed for over an hour waiting for my friends to emerge from their slumber.  So, this morning I woke up relatively early still highly dehydrated.  Alcohol also makes sleeping still impossible.  So my first sight in the mirror... BED HAIR!!!  But not just any bed hair, it was nearing an afro!  And my hair has had no better luck since.  Worst decision of the day... walking up to mothers house.  She offered to pick me up but it is a 5 minute walk.  The cold didn't bother me, I just fancied some fresh air and I could wrap up warm.  What I didn't realise when I made this decision was quite how windy it was outside.  After washing my hair and still struggling to get a hairbrush through it, I ventured outside with my nice, clean and tidy hair.  Not for long for long though.  Nothing too serious, just a bit windswept... for the first minute that is.  By the time I reached mothers house I looked like I had been swirling around in a tornado for the last hour.  Add to that the static from trying to keep it under control while wearing gloves.  This has not been a good hair day.  Perhaps a lesson from above for my obsessively vain tendency to redo my hair every 5 minutes last night.  But hey... at least the photos turned out good.

I've given up the news, and don't buy a newspaper so the only chance I get to read one is when I go up to my mothers house.  Today I decided that it may be time to give that up.  The first page I landed on... JOBWATCH!  Not a whole page like, but a nice big box in the bottom corner showing just how many jobs had been lost by every company this week.  Is that really necessary?  We hear it on the news every day, we do not need it recording in Jobwatch.  I quickly turned away from it in disgust that the newspapers seem to find some sort of pleasure in rubbing this in the faces of all the unemployed, and those poor people who  were one of the losses and became a mere statistic that people will be eating chips from tomorrow.  We all know we are in a recession, and a lot of people (me included in case my blogging hasnt made that apparent yet) are finding it rather hard.  To keep shoving this in our faces is just mean. MEAN!

On the whole though, despite the hurricane hair and nasty news, today has been a good day.  The boyfriend has been very loving and what girl doesn't love to have affection showered on her from time to time.  Just a shame it was coming from a faraway town and can't become a real kiss and cuddle until next weekend.  But I do love having things to look forward to, it helps keep my spirits high.

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
Knickers Found_ 0
Gallons of Water Drank_ 1,544,353

Change of plans.  I am too ill for this cold weather.  I have been fine all day but the moment I stepped outside to get some washing from the outhouse my nose began its olympic training for the day.  So instead of a night out in Chavtown, I am going to go spend my night with a friend who has chicken pox.  Insane? Maybe. But I had chicken pox when I was young so statistically I should be safe, just got to hope that my lowered immune system of the moment doesn't open me up to illness... I hear that shingles is pretty nasty.

Today I have been so bored.  I have decided that as my job hunting mission is picking up more during the week and I am doing much more about it I am going to give myself weekends off.  But wow, it is BORING!  I have been able to think of nothing to do.  I may go up to mothers soon to watch Burnley on TV.  It really does make me wish they were a premiership team so I could enjoy them on TV more than once a year.  But other than that today has been filled with tidying away clothes and dancing around my room to the radio.  There really is nothing better than a secret dance about.

I have been looking through my final university project today.  I really am quite a talented designer, even if I do say so myself.  I should look through it more often though.  The final months of tears, stress and no sleep were terrible, but just as a mother and child birth, when I look at my work all I think of are the happy moments.  The feelings of success and finally hearing my tutor say "I think you are finally there" after months of "You are nearly there, just not quite".  The reminder that some people in the industry really do think I have what it takes to be great.

I also quite like my inspirational quote of the day on my calendar today.  And with it being a weekend it actually lasts for 2 days... "It is not so important where one settles down.  The best thing is to follow your instincts without too much reflection"  And who said this?  Albert Einstein.  How can I ignore such genius?  Father also brought out the faerie cards again last night.  Not sure if I was showing signs of negativity, perhaps the mini breakdown in Manchester from the evil bitch lady from hell is what did it, but father seemed to think I needed a bit of faerie positivity.  At the moment they are telling me to follow my dreams and embrace my creativity.  Also said something about becoming financially comfortable, not sure if that means I'm going to get a job so therefore money, or that there just isnt really anything coming up that requires me to spend money so I can finally get back to saving some after Christmas robbed me of it all.

I do love a hormone-free, happy life

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
Knickers found_ 0

This blog is not a deep, insightful look in to my views on death.  It is merely how I feel.  I feel like death!  Yesterday I woke up with an awful pain behind my eyes.  I've never had a migraine but I feared this was a bad sign and was sending me towards one.  It wasn't.  I was fortunate this time but with these awful pains later came... a runny nose!!!  Running so much that it would seem it is in training for the Olympics.  So I tucked up relatively early with Desperate Housewives and hoped that a good nights sleep would do me the world of good.  It didn't.  So today I have been fighting off a serious headache, runny nose and a funny ill-sounding voice.  And tomorrow night I'm supposed to be going out, tonights sleep had better be more effective than last nights.  I am supposed to enjoy life more, I cannot do that alone in my bed at 8pm.  Bring on the magic of Lemsip!

Still no jobs to apply for today... but despite sitting about working doubly hard to keep my heavy head up, I have spent time searching for every interior design agency in Manchester to send my beautiful CV to and beg for even just a week of work experience.  I'm just never sure how to phrase my requests without sounding like a desperate fool who will work for magic beans, so the hard part is still yet to come in writing a decent letter.

And now to go do some washing, this morning I had to resort to a skanky old pair of the boyfriends socks hiding away in my drawer because I just had no other clean ones... and in the process to go on yet another hunt for my stolen knickers.  One of my favourite pairs has gone missing, I fear one of the ugly sisters may have them, how am I to wear my matching bra without them???  Yes, I have problems in my life at the moment; jobless, ill and seemingly bi-polar with my mood swings but of all my worries, my missing knickers come near the top of the list!

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
Tissues_ Countless

I have never really been a believer in luck.  I never had lucky knickers, or a lucky mascot in my exams.  When Burnley played the other night and my mum was saying we lost because Jenson didn't have his lucky grey shirt on I argued that is nonsense, he is a pro and should be able to save a goal (or 4) in a tutu if needed.  But as much as I say I don't believe in luck, I do feel unlucky.  To believe in bad luck shouldn't I also believe in good luck?  Maybe its just because good luck seems to rarely comes knocking at my door.  Father gave me a scratch card this morning.  Apparently a few nights ago my step-mother had a dream that we won £40k a year for life.  The other day he bought the card and won £20.  Today he gave it to me and no such luck.  He even gave me a lucky penny to scratch it with.  I warned him.  I am certainly not beaming with luck at the moment, so I'm not exactly the best person to be scratching it.  He said maybe this would be the change.  It wasn't!

I went to Manchester with father today to register with some recruitment agencies.  All was going swimmingly until the bitchy lady from hell.  She made me cry and knocked back my confidence.  Ridiculous though because the design agencies were lovely and friendly.  This woman was merely an admin recruiter and made me feel awful.  First question_ "What work experience have you had?"  I hate this question more than any other.  I have NEVER had a job.  OMG, lazy cow I hear you say.  Well, not really... I have plenty of volunteer work behind me, but because I wasn't paid for this it doesn't count as a PROPER job.  Second question_ "So what did you do while you were at uni then?"  Well... I did my uni work.  I didn't choose the easiest course.  I could barely spare time to sleep sometimes, nevermind get a job.  But then came the last straw_ "Oh right, but plenty of people manage to balance the two"  Excuse me???  After all the hard work I put in to my degree I do not appreciate basically being called lazy merely because I didn't get a job while I was there.

The day cheered up though.  My lovely nurse made me feel better about life, and told me to stop watching the news.  After explaining my manic depressive PMT episodes she first of all told me to go see the doctor about it.  And then advised me to stop watching the news, the constant talk of 2,352,352 jobs cut and businesses going in to administration is not good for me.  I have enough things in my life to deal with, I have no need to add other peoples worries and problems to it.

So... on the whole I would say today has been good.  I'm putting the evil lady from hell to the back of my mind and ignoring her.  After all, she has to sit about finding other people jobs because she couldn't find a good enough one for herself.  There have been no jobs to apply to today but judging by Tuesday and Wednesday, things are looking up a bit so I'm not worried.  Maybe when my 4 leaf clover grows I will finally discover good luck.

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 1

I have always been clumsy.  But generally, while I'm no Torvill or Dean, I have been ok on slippy surfaces (excluding ice rinks... they terrify me! So definitely no Torvill or Dean)  Today I was fortunate, I stayed upright.  But still I was slipping about like a baby penguin discovering its feet.  I love snow... when I'm inside looking out.  Or when I only need to go out in the yard.  Not when it is all walked on and destroyed.  And when it rains and turns in to an olympic sport just to stay on your feet.  If only it truly was like a film style Winter Wonderland... but no, its not.  So, in conclusion, I do not like snow.  But I survived, so woop woop!

Today has been a good day.  I awoke to an email with 2 more jobs to apply to... jobs that actually aren't out of my league, both specifying graduates and little or no need for experience.  Then I had the highlight of my fortnight, the Job Centre... just as wonderful as always.  But then after that I rediscovered the designer within and got to work on my own personal portfolio website.  Now starting to take shape so not only will I have my own website, but also I can say that I know how to make websites so I can apply for hundreds more jobs that currently aren't an option to me.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a non-depressive day too.  I may be able to make the record books for not failing at a New Years Resolution... because we are ignoring the small glitch of Monday.

Jobs Applied For_ 3
Tears_ 0
Falls in the Snow_ 0

Today is going well... much better than the manic depressive in my head tried to convince me this morning.  I woke up at about half 9, feeling perfectly rested and awake.  But my head started questioning the need to get up.  Why bother? What is there to get up for?  I eventually emerged from my bed at 12, at which point I got angry with the manic depressive within for being such a lazy git.  My dream of cuddling a penguin may have been nicer than the reality of my life but there is just no excuse for such laziness.

When I did eventually get up I checked my emails as I always do.  Today was different from yesterday.  Yesterday my hope was dwindling.  But in all fairness it was the first day back for many after Christmas, did I really expect the job boards to be full?  Today, however, the first email I read had a job.  And not just a random junk 'graduate recruitment, earn up to £35k ote in year one' crap one.  It was a CAD technician.  A junior one at that.  On top of that I found another five jobs to apply to.  Not all of which are in my league of pay, but if I have learnt anything from my brother recently, it is to not look at the pay.  Yesterday he started a job paying £18k a year, with a company car and laptop and phone I do believe.  And he only just turned 20 and has no more than a BTEC and beat off an experienced 30 year old.  If he can do it then why can't I?  If I can do what it says in the description then why should I let the pay affect my application?  So maybe nothing will come of a few of them.  But maybe something will.  You never know if you don't try.  On top of this I discovered that one of the least motivated students in my tutor group has landed a job as an interior design tutor.  Now while I am dubious of how good this job is, he could barely do well as a student, how he will be a tutor I do not know, I am still hopeful that if he can do it then surely so can I.

Later tonight I am going round to my mothers, need her opinions on the manic depressive living in my head.  And my football team, Burnley, are taking on Spurs in the Carling Cup... we have already knocked out Chelsea and Arsenal so while I may have doubts, I am staying positive and hopeful for it!

Jobs Applied For_ 5
Tears_ 0

After an amazing weekend spent with my bestest of friends and my boyfriend, this morning I woke up to the stark reality of my life again.  

Christmas is OVER... its not really Christmas that I miss if I'm honest, just the more relaxed and happy life I had.  Of course in the back of my mind I had job worries but there wasn't really anything out there with offices taking time off for Christmas and the Job centre letting me have a few weeks escape.  But now all that is over, and my hormones are rushing around my body like they are on speed (i know nothing of drugs but the name leads me to the assumption that it speeds people up on some way...)

So it is January the 5th.   I am not going to count it as a failure, merely a small glitch... but already I have cried (two outbursts already today) but let us not forget... I am HORMONAL!!! And really tired, I am a girl who does not function without sleep.  Luckily after a few naps on my trains home I feel a bit less emotional.  Damn the hormones though!!! Damn them!!! I am a real life Jekyll and Hyde at times.

The second half of the resolution however, so far, is all going well.  I had an amazing time with my friends, and time with my boyfriend is always enjoyable.  And I have plans to see my other best friend from home on Wednesday, you may have seen him in adverts for Confused.com (yes, I am friends with a mini celebrity!!!) so I'm still doing my best to enjoy life and keep my spirits as high as I can.

And my wonderful father has taken the week off work to help me with my career crusade.  Fun days of him helping me track down every local employment agency and interior design firm in the North West so fingers crossed that it helps.

For today though I just need to find something to get my hopes back up, because losing them only 5 days in is just ridiculous!!!  I really wanted my blogs this year to be more happy and hopeful damn it!!!

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 3 (so far)

"Keep true to the dreams of thy youth"_ Friedrich Von Schiller

For my birthday my dad got me a daily calendar of inspirational/motivational quotes.  Then the other day my dad got me a calendar of a bunny committing suicide.  The two, I have to say, don't really work together in harmony.  Fortunately, the suicidal bunny is only weekly... and I have to admit, rather amusing and cute.  This week the suicidal bunny is in a circus attempting to be squashed by an elephant.  Upon receiving the calendar, I did wonder why he had chosen this one for me... but I like to think it is an attempt to make me lighten up and see the humourous side of life.  Its part of his new Buddhist outlook on the world.

So it is the 1st of January... the day of resolutions.  I can honestly say I have never made a proper one.  I have said 'I will lose weight' or 'I will start a diary and not give up on it'.  These resolutions have always been made half-heartedly.  Who ever keeps their resolutions anyway?  So I never took them seriously.  This year however, I've decided to make one... and it isn't quite as closed, or difficult as 'I will become a size 0 by February'... instead it is merely that I am going to stay as positive as I possibly can and enjoy life more.

Problem though... it is THAT time of the month.  My worries and doubts are already starting their attack on me.  Bluddy oestrogen!  All I can do is remain hopeful that going to see my boyfriend for the weekend, and a reunion with my university friends, will get me through the hormones without tears.  If I can do that, then I can do anything, I can take on the world!!!  If not, then I have a check-up next week and shall be requesting yet another new pill... after all, I'm not a psychotic hormonal monster, its my pill.  Or so I tell myself, but 3 different varieties of pill down, I'm beginning to wonder.