Diary Of A Design Graduates Dreams

Gutted. Gobsmacked. Baffled. Heart-broken. Devastated.  All because of the boyfriend.

It's all his fault.  I watched things like the World Cup and the occassional FA Cup Final [and I was one of those rare girls that knew the offside rule] but I never had a real interest in football.  And then he came along.  Totally obsessed with football.  The type of boyfriend that loves football more than his girlfriend.  I was having none of that though.  Myabe he would love me on the same level if I was in to football too?  I showed an interest.  But I didn't see this coming!  I have become a true fan of football.  I follow it rather obsessively, and recognise way too many players not only by name, but by face when I watch it.  I can't get enough of it.

No more though, I am giving up football.  It hurts too much.  Not since Switzerland went out of the World Cup in 2006 have I felt so devastated and numb [I admit.  I am a traitor to my country, my heart lies with Switzerland I'm afraid... initially I chose them because they were the underdogs/fittest team but I grew to love them]

In case you havn't clocked on yet... Burnley lost tonight.  A totally unfair defeat.  My tactic to be pessimistic worked.  From the terrible 4-1 loss 2 weeks ago they came back.  Now, I didn't see any of the goals other than in replays.  So I adjusted my tactics.  After goal number 1 I got hopeful.  But no more goals.  So part tactic, part realisation that this was an impossible achievement I gave up paying attention.  Then comes goal number 2. OMG!!! But then it gets to 93 minutes and they are never going to win.  So I give up on them again.  And I just don't know how it happened, I really don't.  I was more concerned by the chaos in the room and the crazy screaming commentator.  I was beyond happy, I was shaking! I could not believe it!  Even the screaming boyfriend down the phone was supporting Burnley for once.  So hope was back, AGAIN!  Then came extra time.  They really couldn't do it.  As much hope as I had, memories of 4-1 came flooding back.  They had no chance.  But 27 minutes in to it who wouldn't believe that they had won this.  That they had achieved the unachievable!!!  And then, I'm still not watching through fear.  GOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!  To the other team.  The mother looked like she was crying. The little brother looked like he was crying.  The step father stormed out of the room.  I just sat.  Absolutely numb.  I was gobsmacked.  So close, yet so far.  But still 2 minutes.  This was surely a match of miracles.  We could get another one!  GOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!  To the other team.  I was beyond numb now, my body had gone in to a comatose state.  It shut down.  Robbed of glory in the final 2 minutes.  I didn't expect to win so I could have coped with one goal [well I couldn't, I went numb but it would have been more manageable] but a second goal was just rubbing it in.  I hope the scum get relegated.  I felt quite sorry for them being low in the Premiership and hoped they would improve.  I now hope they drop as far down as possible and have to play Sunday League football.

But, as I don't want to come across as a football maniac [or sports writer wannabe] I shall stop there.  And I repeat, this is all the boyfriend's fault.  I give up football as of now!  From shaking with delight to being numb with disappointment is something best left to the men.  I'm going to go cheer myself up with my new book.

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."_ Hebrews 11:1

So close!!!

Tears_ 0
Moments of Ecstacy_ 3
Moments of Despair_ 2
Breaths of Fear_ Countless

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."_ Hebrews 11:1

That was the calendar quote of the day but in town to day, two old ladies made me smile with their own little quote of the day...

Old lady Number One  "Keep plodding on"
Old lady Number Two  "Every day is a bonus"

How insightful, or maybe just true for the poor old folks.  I do like hearing what old people have to say

Soon after, it was time for my fortnightly trip to the Job Centre.  Highlight of my life!!!  To say unemployment is on the rise, and there is meant to be more people relying on the job centre than before, I have never seen it so dead.  Burnley's supermarkets must be taking on lots of new staff!!!  I can think of no other logical reason why fewer people than normal are in there.  It was when I was leaving that I got, quite possibly, the best quote of the day from a chav.  I was just walking out, keeping my head down as I do incase anyone around recognises me, when I overheard one of the typical Job Centre type scum say "She was talking down to me.  Only thing I can do in my defense is shout back at her."  Now, of course, this isn't really my quote of the day.  That is the most ridiculous thing I have heard all day... perhaps using the ounce of intelligence, that surely anyone has from basic Junior school education, you would see that shouting rarely solves a problem.  And, if shouting is all you are really capable of , she isn't really talking down to you, she is actually talking to you on the level that she believes you are at and will understand.  I do have a strong dislike of the people in my town.  There seems to have been something in the air today though.  The chavs have been more out of control than normal.  Not that there were fights around every corner, just that they seemed to be on something.  Acting more menacing and threatening than normal.  I heard a lot of shouting and aggressive bottle kicking.  It really is no wonder that I cross the road when I see 12 year olds with their pants tucked in their socks.  Rowdy bunch of hooligans!!!  And as the boyfriend pointed out at weekend, my town has only chavs or emos... no inbetweeners that are normal.  It really is quite a surprise that I survived my teenage years and came out normal.

After my busy day working on my website yesterday, today I decided to write a list of all the portfolio items I need to include.  Quite a bit more than I thought so a much bigger task than I anticipated.  Hopefully worth it though.  And seeing my work again is refreshing, reminds me why I want to be a designer and the happiness that the stress brings with it.  Stress, however, seems to be showing itself more recently.  Although, not so much stress, more worries.  I am a worrier.  A big worrier.  I've managed to control it for a while, but my brain is starting to get back at me now.  I'm happy in the day, and my website is making me feel like my life has some sort of purpose again.  But when I go to bed at night my jobless worries haunt me.  Not in my dreams, my dreams seem to have become obsessed with teeth, if I'm not dreaming about them falling out I'm dreaming about toothpaste.  A sign that I maybe need to get out more?  Its just before I drop off that the worries come to haunt me.  My heart tightens and panic sets in.  My mind tries to convince me I'm going to be stuck in this rut forever.  And I believe it.  Just doesn't want me to be happy.  As hard as I try to keep up the new years resolution there is some evil little devil in my mind trying to convince me that it isn't worth it.  But hey, at least I'm not crying all day every day.  So I'll put up with the devil for now... even if he is an annoying little git, the magical sheep that I count to distract my mind always seem to get rid of him.

The home team are playing again tonight... although at a slight 4-1 disadvantage against a premiership team.  Am I optimistic? No.  Mother is convinced that being at home gives them a chance.  But Burnley well and truly kicking the arse of Spurs just isn't realistic in the slightest.  Although it does seem to be when I'm pessimistic about their chances that they prove me wrong.  So who knows?  Although, maybe the fact that I'm relying on that means I'm secretly optimistic, therefore jinxing them?  Not that it matters, apparently just having me watch them jinxes them enough.  

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
Falls on Icy Ground_ 0