Diary Of A Design Graduates Dreams

I didn't sleep very well last night.  I crossed the boundary of normal nerves to absolute fear.  I have so far had no-one judge me by my portfolio.  While previous interviews may have been nerve-wracking [do you ever get used to them?] I had never had to prepare myself for them to judge me by my designs.  Thinking about it logically this makes no sense.  In the past I have been rejected because of me [quite personal really] but this time it would be rejection by my designs [and everyone has different tastes so its just a case of not taking it too personally].  Why do I prefer rejection based on my personality to my work? I spent a long hard year on my portfolio.  I put my heart and soul in to it and cried rivers oceans trying to perfect it, how can anyone not like it?  The problem with my style is... it's a bit mental.  It takes a certain type of person to really understand it and enjoy it.  I'm an interior designer yet I spent half the year studying foliage growth around my building and based my design concept on nature taking back its rightful place.  An abstract conceptual method of designing that a lot of people don't seem to understand.  So although I love my work, I do worry that other people will take more convincing now that I'm out of the school of crazy thinking where "I did this because I think it looks nice" is banned.

After several false alarms... 5:13am, phew, havn't missed my alarm.  6:37am, phew, havn't missed my alarm.  7:21am, phew, havn't missed my alarm.  I struggled out of bed.  It took me about half an hour to part myself from my safety net., the world beneath my duvet where I can wish myself back to childhood and not have to face my fears.  I got myself ready and off I went.  A normal human reaction to nerves is sweaty palms, racing heart, sickness and trouble breathing. Why, oh why, is one of my reactions to feel like I need to cry?  Why do I always need to cry?  Do I have mental issues?  I am simply not good at dealing with stressful situations.  Were I around back in the times of prehistoric man, I would have been eaten by a woolly mammoth by now because my reaction would not be the default of RUN!  It would have been stuck on my broken setting of cry.  I had no need to cry, the second I step foot in the building on came my fake smile and cheeriness and off to impressing I went.  The portfolio panics were ridiculous, I finally found someone on my wavelength.  Someone who admired my creativity and different thinking.  A man who couldn't judge me because he had based a concept on broken plywood back in his educational adventures in design.  Good start.  He then gave me a tour of the workshops, a large labyrinth of craftmanship.  The first time I have ever seen furniture being made that isn't a dangerous attempt by myself to put together ikea drawers.  Then a trip to the design studio to admire their computer skills.  Not wanting to blow my own trumpet, but I am more than capable of their standard of CAD drawing.  And then another quick chat and home.  I made it to the final six, now I have to make it to the final four for more formal interviews.  The torture all over again, great!  Fingers crossed that his finishing sentence of "see you soon" was a clue as to how I had done and not just how he says goodbye to everyone.

After my stressful day of worries yesterday, and my bravery this morning, I have had another nice relaxing day at mothers.  We had a visitor from a beautiful ginger cat.  I'm not much of a cat person but I do have a soft spot for the gingers.  It sat on the window all day.  I wanted to steal it but with the step father threatening to drown it I had to just watch it sit outside.  It is day two of lent and I cannot stop thinking about chocolate.  I am drinking lots of milk, and mother gave me some caramel snack-a-jacks which cured the sweet craving.  Hopefully it will pass in a few days and I will become less needy of the chocolatey goodness.  I must keep at it as I am quite worried by how much I want it after only 2 days, thats a serious addiction right there.  Tomorrow will be quite a task I fear as it is shopping day and father always comes back with a years supply of chocolate to last the week but I must stay strong!

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
5-a-day?_ Success!
Chocolate_ 0
Sleeps Until The Boyfriend_ 1

The little brother turned eleven today.  The growning up is certainly showing, mood swings galore... tears because he couldn't fasten his new football boots up tight enough.  He was still showing typical childhood birthday signs though playing out in his new football kit, not forgetting the shin pads and football boots.  It had me thinking back to when I was eleven.  Even then I worried too much.  I was the class swot so I was dreading my SATs because I had to do well.  I had got in to grammar school while all my friends were going to the local schools so I was terrified I would never have friends again.  Eleven years later, everything turned out perfectly fine.  I did well in my SATs and I made some of the best friends at grammar school.  Worrying is just what I do.  I fear I may be worrying myself into an early grave but if I worried so much when I was supposed to be young, innocent and care-free then what hope do I have?  Those of you good at maths out there will realise that I also had a brand new baby brother when I was eleven.  I was already a member of the broken home club.  But like any young child with seperated parents can tell you, it does have its advantages of both parents showering you with love and fun times and presents.  Who wouldn't want a happy ending for their parents but with father away at university for four years it wasn't a huge adjustment when they separated a few years later.  What else was I doing when I was eleven?  I was the church swot!  Oh yes, not satisfied with being the school genius, I was also Sunday School Queen [a role generally taken by 16 year olds but they ran out of older girls].  Probably the perfect child in the parents' eyes, excelling in everything and full of promise.  I did think it was quite cool myself in all fairness, I got to wear a big white dress and tiara, but I could really empathise with child kings and queens of the past.  Doing a job that isn't meant for you is quite a task.  I raised money for Kosovo with a coffee morning, to this day I do not know what happened in Kosovo.  I did it because if I didn't raise money then I would be a bad queen, but how many eleven year olds do you know that are fundraising pros.  Until then all I had really done was sponsored skipping and filling a Smarties tube with spare change.  I do sometimes wish I hadn't been such a worrier and enjoyed my youth more but the further back I look, the more fun it was.  So don't worry, I havn't been worrying since I left the womb.  Before the pressures of SATs and fundraising me and the little brother held regular [private] pantomimes in the parental bedroom using the bed as our stage.  Not a pantomime anyone would want to watch, they went on for days but the featured some classic songs like 'Socky on the radiator'... which we have recorded on tape somewhere, hopefully somewhere deep deep down in a hole that nobody can access.

I have been highly injury prone today.  First I injured my wrist trying to get in to a tin of soup.  Who actually does that?  So not a good sign of things to come.  It was followed with a painful skin loss on the finger while I was rushing to open the door for the dogs to go out.  Scraped a lot of skin off in the process.  There was blood gushing out.  Ouch!  I topped all this off with the most embarrassing episode of cramp I have ever experienced.  Sat on the floor in the living room of mothers, with the brother and his girlfriend round to say happy birthday to the little one.  It came from nowhere.  One minute I was ranting and raving about something.  The next I was rolling around in absolute agony.  Mother almost shouted at the little brother who was sat behind me assuming he had spilt his coffee on me.  If I wasn't surrounded by confused, but highly amused people, I think I may have cried with the pain.  Luckily though, I couldn't help but join in with the laughter after my sudden, and I imagine shocking, scream of pain.

Finally, my blog that I intended to be about job hunting, but turned out to be a bi-polar jumble of depression, exercise and job centre, can get back on track.  Today has been another good day.  I sent off samples to a work experience dude and got a reply from the job I applied to yesterday saying he would let me know later in the week if I make it in to interview stage.  I have spent the day fearing my phone as the recruitment girl has turned in to a slight stalker, I understand she is just doing her phone but its getting to the stage where it seems like she phones just to hear my voice.  Fortunately I have managed to get her emailing today though.  I got a call at around 4 from an unknown number.  I do not answer unknown numbers, I know I should but if they want me they will leave me a message.  So I silenced it and waited to hear her voice on answerphone.  I was shocked when the voice was rather deep.  It was a man.  Oh no, not the Job Centre advisor telling me off for skiving?  No, a nice man from the recruitment agency I applied to a Tesco graduate scheme through.  I made it through the initial screening stage and now get the pleasure of filling in an application form and doing tests to check I am not educationally backwards.  So all in all, things are going good at the moment, could it really be my turn at last?  I am beyond terrified of the interview tomorrow.  I got myself overexcited when I looked at the company website today and pictured myself sitting at my desk designing beauty salons.  I can not do this, when I get overexcited it all goes wrong.  On top of this I am having portfolio anxieties.  This is the first interview since graduating where I am going to be judged on my work.  Having had a breakdown to the head of interior design in May that I hate my work, I think it is fair to say that I lack confidence in my abilities.  I think I am ace.  But I fear no-one else will.  I suppose only time, and an insane [but controlled] amount of enthusiasm tomorrow, will tell.

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
Job Replies_ 2
5-a-day?_ Success!
Chocolate_ 0

How fast things can change... from anxiety attacks and life worries on Wednesday night to another interview set up today!  I sent off my application to yesterday's job and was trying to assemble a few images for a possible work placement wanting to see a few samples of my work.  I was leaving things quite late to get ready for my friends so I rushed off to wash my hair and when I returned I was greeted by a missed call and answer phone message.  It was an unknown number so my first thought was that it was a rejection from one of my previous interviews... not really good for my current motivated and happy state.  But I braved the message anyway.  It was Jodie from Reed Recruitment.  I don't check them much because they rarely have many design jobs but she said she found my CV on Monster [thank goodness I updated that last week] and she had a job I might be interested in.  Ooooh, what could it be?  I generally don't like to phone people but I'm never going to get a job that way.  So I braved it, she already thought I was suitable so it was hardly going to be a terrible ego-destroying conversation.  The job is a graduate one.  I am a graduate, good start.  The role is a design assistant with CAD.  I love CAD and I do design.  So far so good.  I may have exaggerated a few things to her, I gave myself a 8/10 on CAD skills [which I think is true but who knows if an industry pro would agree] and my one week of covering for my step sick mother in her shop became September to November.  I ran it by father and he said I can say I still work there if it helps, the joys of family businesses.  Not to worry about still working there though, my freelance design company VoLuMe Designs regularly designs for them.  I told no lies, merely slight exaggerations of the truth so I feel no guilt.  Besides, they want me for my CAD skills so how long I have worked in a shop is of little relevance other than to boost my CV.  I had no reply from her for a while so off I went to my friends for the day.  I got home at half past 9 to an email with an interview scheduled for Thursday morning. Ace!  Is it the four leaf clover?  Is it just my turn finally?  Who knows what it is, but an interview every week for 3 weeks certainly makes me happier and much more optimistic about life.  And if I don't get any of them, I shall just write a book about what not to do in interviews.  It's nice to feel recognised at last.

"Success is blocked by concentrating on it and planning for it... Success is shy --- it won't come out while your watching." Maybe now I have accepted my fate and stopped my planning fate is back on my side?

So, I'm all flustered now from running around trying to arrange my portfolio for father to print tomorrow.  I've not got round to it so far because I have had no urgency, I certainly felt the urgency tonight.  My excitement at another interview was disguised by the stress of getting ready for it.  Hot and flustered was the result.  Had a very relaxing day at the friends house though.  Discussed anything and everything.  And then played together on our DS's.  Fun times.  I'm enjoying being back to the New Year's Resolution of just enjoying life more.  I can't control it so I will just enjoy it when I can.

I had no pancakes today, boooooo!  But I am trying to convince myself that I can give up chocolate for lent.  I have never given up anything for lent.  But I had never made a New Years Resolution before now.  So maybe this is a year for changing.  For improving my life, and my outlook on life, for the better.  I am a Christian.  But I tend to be one of the selfish types that turns to God when she needs him and not daily in giving thanks.  Father gave up coffee a few years ago at Lent, the poor man was going crazy, but he did it.  There is no reason why I can't give up chocolate for 40 days.  I've cheated slightly by allowing myself hot chocolate for desperate times to avoid failure or binges.  I don't know if I can do it, but I can give it a good try.  It may even aid me in my 5-a-day crusade having less options for snacking.

Jobs Applied For_ 1
Tears_ 0
5-a-day?_ Success!

Well, my days plans changed slightly when the little brother turned up with his homework.  He gets one piece to do over half term and he leaves it until the last day, typical. There is nothing I enjoy more than helping him follow in big sister's educated footsteps.  I have quite a harsh teaching method that makes him cry quite often, but all I say is that I won't help him until he has at least tried it himself.  Fortunately, I am also a very caring and sympathetic sister who knows just what to say to stop his tears.  There were no tears, not from him at least.  I have to say I came close when he accused me of being a level one.  Apparently 'the' is such a level one word, he is level five and can't be seen using such basic words.  He shares my genes so I expect nothing but genius but when he came out with the headline 'sick of soakings' for his poster to promote a shelter in the school yard I couldn't help slipping in to a daydream about my little brother the advertising ace of the next generation.  I am  Mother is raising a genius!

So, looking after him until the end of Emmerdale [there is no mum's taxi service between 7 and 7 30] altered my plans slightly.  But I couldn't waste the motivation and fresh outlook so once he had left me I sent off emails to a couple of local agencies, and I am even in the process of composing an email for a job application first thing in the morning.  I would send it now but who applies for jobs at half 10?  I may give off the impression that I have sleep issues and have nocturnal tendencies which is, of course, not good for 9 - 5 living.  I'm going to try my best to stay optimistic now.  I am still contemplating what to do on Wednesday.  Do I just not go to see my Job Centre advisor, accept today as the end?  Or do I bravely face him and explain my reasons for leaving and disappointment in the failings of the system?  Mother has injured her leg and been ordered to rest but she says the step father is happy to come along if I need him for support.  Today, I quite feel like making my case and freeing myself of the burden.  But I am yet to complain to Orange about my lack of free internet access even though the boyfriend and brother both get it on the same contract so I imagine the chicken within me will be in a clucking frenzy come Wednesday afternoon.

The best friend is coming over for pie and a catch-up tomorrow.  No idea how I am going to cope when I have to return to lonely days... I may drag it out a bit and visit mother while she is off work injured for the week.  Who really likes loneliness?  There is a big difference between loneliness and alone time.  Alone time is a choice, I do not choose to be left alone in my over-sized house every day.

Jobs Applied For_ 1
Tears_ 0
Emails Sent To Agencies_ 3
Replies From Emails_ 1
5-a-day?_ I'm turning in to a piece of fruit!!!
Music Of Choice_ Kate Nash [Hopefully the little brother didn't go home swearing too much]

The day I have been dreading since my trip to the Job Centre on Wednesday.  The day that has caused me nothing but worries, tears and night-time anxiety attacks.  The day has come.  And I couldn't feel any better.  I feel like such a burden has been lifted from me that I could float around in the clouds like a weightless feather.  I finally told the boyfriend about the 'New Deal' scheme I had been put on last night.  I avoided telling him.  I didn't want to tell him about my emotional breakdown on Wednesday night.  I didn't want him to think I was just being a crazy depressive hormonal girl.  Granted, I still didn't tell him about the emotional breakdown but I did tell him all about the insulting basic maths test and seemingly pointless training they want me to do.  I didn't want him to think I was a quitter, after all the hell they have put me through why give up now?  But this was the man who turned around before he even made it in the building.  This was the man who had me crying on the phone to him after my first visit.  This was the man who had heard me moan every time I went, and been there in the summer months when I was filling in my 'homework' book.  Ultimately, this is the man that loves me.  I was hormonal.  I wasn't thinking straight.  But why did I ever think he wouldn't understand or think I'm a quitter?  Silly me.

Strangely, I feel more motivated than I have in the 6 months when I've been forced to apply for jobs for my 'homework'.  If anything, I reached a stage where I was applying because I was worried they would tell me off if I didn't.  I'm back to applying because I want to.  Because I want to get my foot on the illusive ladder.  Because I don't have the security of a steady flow of money in to my bank account.  And ultimately, because I didn't work so hard to sit about in my bedroom feeling sorry for myself every day.

The little brother is on his way now [didn't get up until 12... lazy!]  so I'm going to get comfy with my laptop on my bed and search for every local design agency I can find while he hunts down legendary pokemon.  I know which one I would prefer to be doing but I don't have the luxury of being 11 years old with no worries but 30 minutes of maths homework once a week.

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
5-a-day?_ On my way...

It's been a quiet weekend, not as enjoyable as weekends with the boyfriend but what girl can deny that 3 episodes of Desperate Housewives in a comfy cosy bed makes her just a bit happy for some alone time.

So tomorrow is the day that has had me worried sick since Wednesday afternoon.  But after much thought, tears, worries and chats with the mother I have decided tomorrow is not going to happen.  I am going to look after my little brother on his final day off school and give up this Job Centre nonsense.  Yes, for the past 6 months £50 a week hasn't been a burden but the feelings that have come along with it cannot be given a price.  I had to swallow a large amount of pride on my first visit to the Job Centre.  My boyfriend went along too on the same day, it was knowing he was going that helped me give in to it, knowing I wasn't alone.  I was alone.  He saw the building and turned around.  I came out crying.  After three years of hard study I was lowering myself to something I swore I would never do.  It was meant to be short term.  It was meant to be a few weeks to keep me going until I found a job.  6 months later, enough is enough.  It has destroyed me inside.  Sent me away crying more times than I wish to remember.  It has made me feel lower than the low.  It has eaten away at my soul.  My mental health certainly isn't stable.  My self esteem, dignity, self confidence and general self-worth are worth more than £50 a week.  After my episode in bed on Wednesday night I decided I simply cannot do it anymore.  Being a thinker I have overthought it since then and talked it over endless amounts but it is time to follow my heart and hopefully regain some pride and dignity.

I'm so nervous, I don't like such big decisions.....

Back to that New Years Resolution of I will enjoy life more.  When I'm not a hormonal monster I do tend to see the happy side of my life.  I have an amazing loving family, a wonderfully handsome boyfriend, super friends, and a [rather large] roof over my head.  And I have a degree, that will get me a job and will make me happy someday.  This week I have learned to stop obsessing over my life timetable, and planning for success and just accept life as it comes to me.  Everything will happen in time, and when it does these hard [unplanned for] times will make it so much better.  This week I am going to send out lots and lots and lots of letters to every local company I can find to beg enquire about work experience and then I shall just be happy and enjoy my life.  Like the older generations like to say, "Your only young once"  Or is it "You only live once"?  Or are they both known sayings?  Either way, I'm going to get back to trying my best to following that.

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
5-a-day?_ Only managed 3, I'm ashamed
Favourite Song Lyric_  I worry, I weigh three times my body, I worry, I throw my fear around, But this morning, There's a calm I can't explain, The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain [I love John Mayer]

Success is blocked by concentrating on it and planning for it... Success is shy --- it won't come out while your watching."_ Tennessee Williams.

Well, there is my problem in one well written sentence.  Since I was 14 I planned my life,  timetabled it [which my book cleverly pointed out also doesn't work] so what can I do about it now?  Stop looking for it seems to be the answer.  Luckily I am coming to realise this over the past week of tears.  All I am searching for now is happiness and satisfaction with my life... please don't tell me these are shy too?  Maybe I should just look to live my life and take it as it comes to me.  How do I even know this dream career is as amazing as my dreams lead me to believe?  How do I know I won't enjoy something else so much more?  I won't find out if I don't try...  I'm not quite sure what my point is with this really?  I do like the quote though

Another two days spent with the little brother.  I went to mothers today for a change of scenery and company.  Loneliness can't seem to get enough of me at the moment so I'm enjoying company for as long as I can until everyone is back at school/work.  The boyfriend is out with friends tonight so I'm preparing myself for a quiet night in with my comfy cosy duvet and Desperate Housewives... and maybe a few Quiet Life tablets to fend off the emotions that loneliness and quiet always bring with them.  I'm also contemplating the yoga again... it bored me to tears last time but I really want to try it again.  Maybe tomorrow.

I still don't believe in horoscopes but I do like it when I read them and think wow, spot on!  "Things are looking rosier. Money matters are still a headache – but you know you’re not alone on that one. The big advantage you have is that someone truly cares about you and visa versa. Maybe it’s time to make that extra commitment. Love and contentment always means giving up a little independence."  Questions, confusions and dilemmas regarding continuing with the Job Centre malarky answered maybe?

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
5-a-day?_ Success!

The little brother is playing Pokemon on my PC so I am sprawled out on my bed with my laptop and new book.  The music of choice today has been Westlife [a collection that started when I was 13] and just as I attempted to sing along in French yesterday with Michelle Branch the little brother is attempting the same.  It sounds more like neerr da derrr di derr di derrr my love nerrr da derrrr di derrr than anything else but I can't help but sit here and smile at his attempts.  He has just become particularly excited at I Have A Dream starting up... he has watched Mamma Mia too many times and now knows this one well enough to sing along using actual words opposed to strange noises with the occassional familiar lyric.

I got a new book today, coincidentally the same one that the main character in my last book was reading.  I ordered it on Monday because falling asleep has become quite a task without one [as I discovered last night when I couldn't relax at all and ended up getting myself all worked up crying to Cuddles that I just can't take it anymore... I then followed this with a nightmare about a huuuuuuuge praying mantis type creature outside the window wanting to get in to attack me, no-one but me... scary!].  In an excited state I ordered two books, the blurb for this one sounded so good that I ordered the sequel at the same time.  The sequel arrived yesterday.  This one arrived today.  I have read chapter one already.  I am already in love with the main character, and lines that I can relate to, "I don't like endings and beginnings.  I always prefer to churn about in the middle.  The worst thing about this particular end and beginning is that for the first time in my life, I realise that I don't know where I'm going" and "I have learned that you can't just create your own timetable and will it to come true".  I love to read.  To leave real life behind and take myself to a fantasy world for hours.  Imagining myself in their shoes, and coming out of it with the same feeling that all good girly films give me... inspired and motivated.  Which is more than desirable right now before I have a complete breakdown and end up sectioned.  The little brother isn't off school forever [unless I maybe take up a new career in home-schooling?] so I shall have to go back to coping without the company, cuddles and attempted massages soon.

As his own personal Gordon Ramsey though I must go make his tea.  I thought I filled him up on fruit earlier, I certainly filled myself up but he is apparently unfillable.  I have no special cooking abilities.  He just thinks I cook healthy foods, and food thats mother doesn't often make so it is a nice treat for him to have his big sisters cooking.

Jobs Applied For_ 2
Tears_ I lost count
Smiles_ More than I thought possible this morning
5-a-day?_ Almost there

Little Miss Bi-Polar has been having the party of her life today.  Up and down like a kangaroo on drugs.  At the moment she is content listening to Michelle Branch pretending to be fluent in French as she attempts to sing along with Chaque fois que tu t'en vas, Je prétends que tout va bien [lyrics thanks to google opposed to actual understanding] but she has had a highly indecisive day.  When I say she, of course I mean myself with my mental down but not quite enough to be depressive moods.

Sixth month review day.  I woke up early again.  One small step at a time though, I went back to sleep but successfully managed to get up earlier than yesterday.  I was in a pleasant mood, not radiating happiness but also not sad.  I strolled in to town all ready and prepared for the joys of the Job Centre [and more than prepared to subject the advisor to hormonal tears if they happened to be mean].  First stop, the witch shop.  Not how they would describe themselves I'm sure but they have all them crazy types of things in there, not that I can judge them as I have relied on their Tarot cards and Faerie cards in recent months for peace of mind.  After buying the boyfriend incense for Valentines Day [he is not gay, merely enjoys the fragrances that radiate from our kitchen from time to time] I felt jealous.  Apparently the lavendar was making him sleepy at night, little miss bi-polar was begging me for such relaxation and calm at night.  So I treated her.  Remembered later why I have never bought in to this before, it gives me headaches.  In order to enjoy this relaxing new treat to myself I must first dose myself up on Anadin.  After I had passed some time strolling it was time to go face the music in chav land.  No need for hormonal tears [although a few slipped out regardless] as my advisor was a lovely man, who could see my intelligence and ambition in life.  I am, however, contemplating putting an end to my financial aid.  I'm starting to wonder if my pride can take it much longer.  It took a long hard swallowing of pride in the first place but now I cannot be trusted to search for jobs alone so I must go and associate with the scum of my town in some special building and do it there for a few hours each week.  In return they are willing to offer me training.... in first aid, and other random qualifications.  Exciting, I thought at first.  But then my pride really did come in to it, can I really stand to be surrounded by people I look down on for hours every week for the sake of £50 a week?  I worked unbelievably hard for a degree and I would be on the same level as people who barely managed to pass their GCSEs...  can my pride take even more destruction?

Little Miss Bi-Polar cheered up when she got home. Post!!!  Everyone loves post, it cannot be denied.  Today I got home to a Valentines Card from the boyfriend.  He bought it online from Australia so it was a bit late.  It was pink, flowery... and pop-up.  Worth the wait.  After a pause to daydream about the perfect boyfriend I had to get ready for my interview.  Mother picked me up crazily early as she always does, we have a mutual hatred of lateness but she takes it to early extremes.  So I sat in the car for a bit with the nerves building up.  The interview was ok I think, not one that I could really tell either way.  She did say she liked my blouse when I was leaving though...

When I got home I had a little brother in tow.  Using me for my pc but with bi-polar acting up I was pleased for the company.  But then she started her assault on me again.  Giving me constant thoughts and confusion about my future.  Her current favourite being career doubt?  Is design really what I want, and if not what is being my main worry of recent days.  How has my life plan gone so terribly wrong?  The failings have benefitted me in more ways than I could have hoped, the loving boyfriend wasn't planned until I reached 23/24ish but the career plans are beyond messy.  I do not like mess, I do not like chaos.  I like organisation, I like structure, and I like knowing what comes next.  Not knowing really is driving me insane, potentially literally  insane the longer it goes on.

Happy thought of the day_ My life may not be going to plan but my little brother adores me and looks up to me.  And thinks I am the best chef since Gordon Ramsay, possibly even better.  And now that he has gone home [until tomorrow] I have his cheeky smile looking down at me in his school photo.

Jobs Applied For_ 1
Tears_ 1
5-a-day?_ Success!
Mood Changes_ Too Many
Cuddles_ Lots
Goals Scored By The Boyfriend_ 0

I woke up at 8 30 to a text from the boyfriend telling me he loves me.  I felt well rested and full of energy... but I couldn't remove myself from my bed until 2 hours later.  I have some psychological block on it, what is the point?  I want to get up early but I just don't seem able to.  It is always a case of maybe tomorrow.  Why not today though?  If I want to be up, and I'm not tired then why do I struggle?  For now though, all I can say is maybe tomorrow.

The hormones are still going strong, but with it being half term I took advantage of the little brother and mother being about for company so went up to see them.  I did nothing, I sat about all day but the change of environment and company made me feel a hundred times better.  And the little brother is coming down to play tomorrow so hopefully 2 tear free days :)  Although he is only  coming for my computer so he can play on Pokemon.  User!  The beautiful day outside was refreshing too.  When I say beautiful I mean mild and dry.  As I have said before, I am not a penguin, I do not like cold in the slightest.  It makes me moody.  So to feel calm warm air outside is beautiful.  It gave me daydreams of the months of summer soon to come, being able to vary my clothes a bit from jumpers, jumpers, jumpers.

The new fruit diet is going well, its a mission but I'm still managing to fit it in.  I feel close to explosion at times but I must keep it up.  Doctor said it couldn't be a 2 week fad, I don't want telling off if I have to go back to him in a month.  And I certainly don't want prodding and poking.  I'm getting sick of the sight of it now and still havn't mastered my cravings.  My body still demands chocolate over fruit but once I start on the fruit I could eat it forever.  Bananas have become my new secret diet weapon.  Healthy and unbelievably filling.  Perhaps evolution hasn't progressed as far as people like to think.

Interview tomorrow.  Eeeeek.  Hopefully, judging by my oversized bridesmaid measurement of last summer in which my hip measurement was taken as my waist measurement, it won't be too hard to impress.  Fingers crossed the four leaf clover really is starting to work its magic.

Jobs Applied For_ 2
Tears_ 0
5-a-day?_ Success!

Teddy corner is gone.  A mere 3 cuddlies survived.  It has been replaced with..... shoe corner.  Much more grown up I feel :D

I feel terribly guilty today.  I can't live my life job hunting, I would lose my mind.  But when I take days like this to tidy I feel like I deserve nothing more than what I have.  If I'm wasting valuable job hunting time doing other things then what else can I expect?  But how can I search for jobs that don't exist?  No matter what I do I can't seem to win, I feel guilty because I don't search every day but I feel demoralised when I constantly search and still find nothing.

I can't imagine watching Dispatches is helping.  I've given up the news for my mental state, watching The Big Job Hunt probably wasn't the best move, especially considering my hormonal state.  I remember looking outside the boyfriends window almost 2 years ago at a fight outside the job centre laughing at the lower classes and their lives.  I'm not fighting outside, I'm slipping on ice but either way... am I one of them now?  Just because I like to think of myself as being better than them and not the typical job centre type does that mean I'm not?  Can I really still look down on them like I used to?

End of emotional meltdown.  No idea why I'm getting all messy anyway, luck seems to have come my way at last.  Must think happy thoughts :)

America's Next Top Model time... makeover week.  If anything can cheer me up it is wannabe models crying about haircuts :D  It is no Devil Wears Prada but after laughing at hairstyle reactions it does the same job of motivating me to do all I can to be where I want to be in life.  The best things in life don't come easy after all.

Tears_ 2
Favourite Song Lyric_ Everything I'm not, Made me everything I am. 

"The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.  It is never any use to oneself"_ Oscar Wilde.

It is fair to say that I am not overly grateful to my parents for some of the genetic problems they have passed on to me.  Allergies from the father's little swimmer, and uncontrollable pre-menstrual hormones from the egg.  My genes aren't overly terrible, I rarely get ill and I got a strong jawline that the boyfriend loves but I do not enjoy these mood swings.  Not the best girlfriend to be around on the weekend of love.  One minute I could be the happiest, smug loved-up girl around and the next I could be the monster girlfriend that can only possibly exist in nightmares.  How dare he not sweep me up in to his arms and kiss me like never before for making him Valentines buns being one of my particular moments.  But the man oozes cheesy love from his pores so I can never stay mad at him for long.  The best present he gave me though wasn't his beautifully handmade heart of ivy, or his addition to my photo album of love with cheesy love quotes.  It was just being there and not hating me for my psychotic mood swings.  For not being bored doing simple every day things like cleaning out the hamster cage, and countless trips to Asda.  And for the one line on Saturday night that made me happier than any bouquets of flowers or romantic meals could ever make me, "I might stay a bit later tomorrow".  

Enough of that soppy loved-up talk though... I have another job interview!!!  Could the blooming four-leaf clover be working its magic for me?  I had pretty much given up hope on the wedding dress shop after 2 weeks of hearing nothing.  But then on Friday I had a phonecall, I was expecting to speak to mother [no wonder they split up if father thought it was her voice on the other end] but when I answered it was the dress lady.  Could I be one step closer to my Jeniffer Lopez wedding planner dream life?  Only a part time job but get it or not, it will feel much better going for my 6 month review on Wednesday knowing that I can tell them I have an interview later that day.  And perhaps refreshing right now, I imagine it is more hormones than anything but I can't help but wonder if interior design really is what I want to do with my life, or if I'm merely afraid of going in another direction and feeling I have wasted 3 years and £12,000 on a pointless degree.  I think I do want it deep down but in hard times I do wonder to myself if it is all really worth it?

This 5-a-day fruit mission is becoming quite a pain.  I just don't know how I am ever going to adjust my life and eating habits to it.  To little miss anorexic up in my head that is a lot of extra food to take in.  And to my poor stomach unaccustomed to so much food, it is proving quite a task to fit it all in, I've resorted to a glass of apple juice to ease the struggle but with 30% of my sugar allowance for the day I can't help but wish it was just a fizzy treat of Pepsi in my glass. I'm not a fizzy drink guzzling, crisp munching obese monster but I cannot help but be disgusted with the lack of goodness I used to feed myself... orange squash and salad in sandwiches does not equal healthy.

Another clean-out in my bedroom today.  The unlucky possessions this week being... teddy corner!  Yes, the teddies are gone.  Not as hard to part with them as I imagined though.  So many more treats for the charities, with such caring and giving surely God should be smiling on me and give me a bit of a break.  Although perhaps the prayers for the boyfriend's car to get fixed yesterday so he wouldn't have to go home early have reduced my prayer allowance slightly?  Well, I had better get back to the cleaning, the teddies are in a bin bag but the corner is a dreadful mess... and I always believe a messy chaotic space equals a messy chaotic mind, which is the last thing I want right now.

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 3 [including my emotional weekend]
5-a-day_ Success!

Welcome to my Cinderella life.  I do love to live my life through classic girly films of love and happiness.  I have not recently tried on any glass slippers though.  Unfortunately my Cinderella story is that of the evil step mother and ugly step sisters. When I was 16, father was dating the lovely 22 year old Helen[mid-life crisis maybe?].  It didn't last.  Before that he fancied his lesbian best friend [before he knew she swung that way].  Now he is with the wicked witch of the North West.  Now, from my blog the other week about the shop's monstrously hideous leaflet, it would be fair to say that you already know I am not her biggest fan.  But saying this I have always tried my best to remain neutral, not liking her but also not disliking her.  She is doing herself no favours.  On the hatred meter she is currently pushing an 8/9.  Today, I had my interview [feel free to skip to the next paragraph to hear that story] and when I phoned father after to tell him how it went he said he was half way to Manchester to pick me up.  I was more than happy to get the bus home but he was half way, I could hardly send him home.  And at the time I thought it was a loving gesture from my father.  It was rush hour, so I had to sit about for an hour waiting for him to arrive.  The car pulled up and there she was.  Closed her shop early [it is only a hobby afterall...???] and tagged along with father like the clingy limpet that she is.  No, it was worse.  She was here to go to her tacky bag shops to get more supplies for the hobby shop.  I was sat in the car for about 45 minutes waiting for her.  I was furious at the first shop, by the time we reached the second shop I was more than ready to start slashing the bags that she got from the first shop.  If I had got the bus as I had planned I could have been home for about 6.  I have just arrived home at half past 7.  Angry, to say the least.  Add to this the fact that last night one of the ugly step sisters was 'designing' a website for her, I don't particularly want to be anywhere near her right now.  Bring back the mid-life crisis!!!

On a happier note... the interview went well.  I woke up at 9 and felt rather scared.  The interview wasn't until 4, oh what a day this was going to be.  I went for a shower at about half 10, soaking myself in Original Source Lavendar to calm my nerves.  Did nothing for me.  I felt sick and couldn't face food.  I eventually force-fed myself a slice of toast and was ready to set on my way.  The bus drove straight past me on my way up to the bus stop.  Great start.  Another bus came about 15 minutes later, just in time for me to avoid being stood in the snow.  I got to Manchester for about 3, didn't want to be too early so I went to the train station to warm my toes a bit.  Not a big fan of orienteering, I set off soon after to avoid being late.  It was one serious mission to find this place.  And it was cold.  I do not like the cold, I am no penguin!  Feeling lost I phoned father for help and guidance, he said I was going the right way so I continued on my journey.  On the world's longest, scariest road I phoned father again.  "Am I really going the right way, I feel like I'm about to step foot on a motorway and this road cannot possibly be so long?"  This time he didn't hang up.  Could hear his teary, scared daughter in need. "There are some not very nice people along this road" and "I'm going to get run over" being just a few of my terrified comments on my way to the industrial estate.  When I eventually reached the estate I then wandered around it like a lost sheep, getting beeped at by men in vans [just what a father wants to hear on the phone] and generally wanting to go home.  It is fair to say that I was an emotional wreck before I even reached the estate, interview anxieties and feeling lost in unfamiliar surroundings all mixing up to make one teary girl.  I reached a dead end. "I'm at a dead end, I can't go any further, I don't know where it is, I just want to go home!" cried the emotional daughter. "Have a look around on buildings for unit numbers sweetheart" replied the calm, collected and guilt-ridden father, "I should have just taken you myself".  I'm a grown-up girl, I like to do these things by myself.  At 22 years old I do not need my daddy holding my hand at interviews.  I looked around for numbers, "oh, I found it".  I was stood right outside it.  The moral of this story, I heard a quote to do with it once, I don't remember it but it was something along the lines of be careful not to give up just before you reach your goal, or something like that.  I felt like a total spaz, and felt all my tears were such an over-reaction.  But I didn't fail to achieve my Bronze Duke of Edinburgh award for no reason [we went in the complete wrong direction and ended up stupidly lost all because we believed the handsome farmers directions]  I am just not good with maps or foreign places, I get images of rape, muggings and murders in my head.  So, after all this I got there with 15 minutes to spare.  I went in and had a nice hot cup of tea while I waited and then had a lovely interview with two lovely women who I had no reason to be fearful of.  They even complimented me on my polite emails and correct use of the English language opposed to the awful text language they had received from others.  So I got an interview because I can speak proper English???  Either way, all good!

I now need to go binge on fruit, I have had none today and feel terribly guilty.  I promise to be happier, and less crazy ranting lunatic tomorrow.

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 1
Sleeps Until The Boyfriend_ 1

Today I am doing what I do best.  Worrying.  I hoped that a short notice interview might minimise this.  But it would seem not.  I have been able to think of nothing else. I can answer ANY question anyone can possibly think of because I have been interviewing myself all day.  Despite the worries, I'm not quite as nervous as usual [yet].  I've been keeping calm by telling myself that I barely even applied for this job, I didn't waffle on about my wonderful qualities and how hard working I am so there must be something they like about me from just my CV?  Hopefully?  Fingers crossed.  Nonetheless I'm swotting up on all things design.  I may have a degree in interior design but with a strong architectural focus and a tutor who insisted on bespoke furniture design I have had little opportunity to study furniture and interior designers.  I may not be asked anything, I barely even know what the job really is, but better safe than sorry.

I got post today.  I rarely get post without paying for it so I was excited to see my name on the envelope.  Not so excited when I opened it.  It was from British Gas.  Apparently I am a valued customer.  Never in my life have I been a customer with any gas supplier so I was not best pleased with this blatant lie.  Father may have started his career with them, and even been sponsored through university by them, but this lie did not impress me.  Ask me to join you by all means but don't lie to me.  Tut tut, disgraceful!  It also included a fake repair bill stating three amounts of £0 which then added up to £13 a month... bad maths, and bad marketing.  Powergen are getting my business [if ever I get to move out and pay such bills]  Why am I ranting about a letter?  Has my life really come to this?  Someone get me a new hobby!

As you may have learnt from my film inspired life, I am easily influenced.  My newspaper of preference is The Independant.  I buy it once every few months when I want to feel intelligent.  Walking up to the shop on a sunny Sunday morning for a newspaper, a small glimpse of calm happiness in my life.  But I do like the current adverts for The Times.  It has a nice little song.  Give me a happy little song and I'm yours.  I love a cheerful tune.

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
Practice Questions_ 122,353,542
5-a-day?_ Success!
Goals Scored By The Boyfriend_ 0

Another eventful day today  I like days when I don't feel like a useless plank.  I woke up at 5 30, I planned for early but not this early.  I was so proud of myself.  Until I looked at the time and realised that I would have to go back to sleep.  And didn't re-awaken until 10 30.  Boooo.  I had my breakfast [plus an apple and 2 portions of grapes] and then set off up to my room to start exercising and quickly checked my emails.  Replies!!!  So obviously my email account does work properly and doesn't send all my applications in to outer space.  First two replies not so positive, but polite and well wishes [one even suggested a company I could email instead... I already had done but the fact he recommended me someone made me smile].  Then came the third, another disappointment, no placement BUT they did tell me about a vacancy in another department, and surely they wouldn't have done this if they didn't think I might be suitable.  I did some exercise first, although slightly distracted with the excitement of having a job to apply to.  So, as soon as I was finished I sent them my CV and I have an interview on Thursday.  Must not get hopes up!!!  But I can't help but smile a bit at the prospect

Last night I watched dispatches on channel 4.  It was about how over 50s are struggling to get jobs in the recession.  The theme alone annoyed me as I read that many employers are preferring the older, more experience applicants to young graduates in these hard times.  They then went on to moan about hearing rejections on the basis of 'over-qualified' and 'it would bore you'.  I lost count of how many of them said "over-qualified, I wonder what that is a euphamism for?"  Well it certainly isn't because you are old because the last time I checked I was nowhere near ready to start drawing my pension and I hear that rejection all the time.  They annoyed me but that is my mini-rant over.

Tonight I have been involved in a focus group.  I was tricked in to it, the step dad phoned me on Saturday and asked me if I wanted to earn an easy £25.  He said that all I would have to do is answer a couple of police related questions and it was mine.  So I went along tonight all ready to fill in a quick questionnaire and take my well earned £25.  How ill-informed was I... 2 hours of focus group ramblings is what I got.  It was all quite fun really, I was the young female opinion. Apparently the young female opinion differs a lot from general society, or general OAPs and an annoying older woman.  The older woman in particular annoyed me, she would not stop talking about how stupid it is to have cardboard cut-outs of policemen about.  Silly perhaps, but the cut-out of a lady holding baskets in Boots scares me every time I see her so perhaps not so silly.  And she argued with everything I said, I wanted to slap her!  A bit of debate is fine but she seemed to be targeting me directly, anything I said she jumped right in and said the opposite.  There was a sweet little old man who just complained a lot about not having enough police walking around these days, he was adorable.  Although with us not living in 1924 anymore, I did disagree with this because I'd rather not see policemen strolling around chatting when they should be off fighting crime and arresting people.    "Why are you confident in the police?"... "Well, because I don't see much murder in the papers so they must be doing something right", I think I set myself up as the not so knowledgeable one with that first answer.  I totally kicked arse on other questions though!   When I got my £25 and escaped I happily forgot about the annoying lady and general boredom I suffered after the first hour.  And generally smiled that I get to be one of them rare people that gets asked for their opinions, maybe next time it will be something I know more about... boybands perhaps

Jobs Applied For_ 1
Tears_ 0
Rejections_ 2
Positive Replies_ 1
5-a-day?_ Success.  Almost 8

Today I woke up bright and early at half 8, not through choice I must admit but I did it and it wasn't so hard.  Always helps to have a good reason to get up though.  Todays reason was a trip to the doctors.  I always thought I was a healthy eater, maybe not the healthiest but certainly not unhealthy.  Comparing myself to one step sister that eats 2 beef burgers in huge breadbuns, a plate full of chips, a packet of crisps and a large glass of coke.  And another who eats nothing but burgers, potato smileys and chicken balls probably isn't the best way to assess my health and diet.  I have never felt so unhealthy like I did today though.  When running through my diet with the doctor I felt like I was saying salad sandwich and he was hearing huge chocolate muffin with a bowl of icecream to rinse it down.  My  lack of fruit and vegetables though quickly became apparent.  So, after having my stomach prodded and questioning if I'm pregnant [why? can you feel a babys head in there?] I headed off to Tesco for enough fruit to feed an army.  I will eat my 5 a day!  I've got the exercise routine sorted now, on to the healthy insides too.  I'll be a glowing beacon of health in no time.

Last night I cosied up [just to a cushion unfortunately] on the sofa to watch The Devil Wears Prada.  Always one to dream of a fairytale happy ending to my life I tend to feel inspired and driven by girly films.  So today I have been sending out emails to every interior design agency in Manchester begging for work experience... perhaps I will get one with an evil boss and work my way up the ladder at some insane speed until she cannot function properly without me.  Perhaps not.  But some experience somewhere would set me on my way to my own happy ending.  Today has been very productive.  I have also restarted work on the website, I was sick of the sight of it so I needed a break, and to refresh my love of it I have had to start a bit of a redesign but I'm well on my way with it again now.  And I have approximately 2 weeks to do it before I'm risking hormonal distress so best keep up the hard work.

But now, after my busy-ish day [compared to my normally slow, uneventful life] I am going to settle in front of the TV for Monday night magic on TV... with just too much fantastic viewing for me to manage all in one session, thank goodness for Sky+

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
Work Experience Emails Sent_ 13
5-a-day?_ Success!
Quote of the Day_ "Underwear is a basic human right"

The boyfriend has just gone home.  Booooo!  So I'm treating myself to a slice of chocolate cheesecake.  Yaaaaaay!  After half of it, I feel sick.  Bleeeeurgh!

I have had a lovely weekend, although I'm sure I must have slept through a day by accident, because it does not feel like 2 days have passed.  It began with a mad dash for the shower on Friday night when he text me from the motorway hours earlier than normal.  Thank goodness for rush hour traffic giving me the chance to clean, defuzz, and prettify.  I finished with TWO minutes to spare!  I then must have slipped in to a coma and before I knew it I was throwing snowballs on Saturday afternoon.  Until this moment I had been hating the snow.  I couldn't quite see the fuss.  It was as if England has never had snow before, when actually this was the third snowfall I have seen this year alone.  As far as I was concerned it was just a ticking timebomb waiting for the most embarrasing moment to make me slip.  This, however, was the moment when I rediscovered my youth [good job considering I am still in my youth].  I live in a rather hideous, but beautifully historic and industrial town that is hidden in amongst the beautiful hills of Pendle, so being covered in snow the boyfriend seemed determined to go see the hills.  Not the outdoor, walking, adventure type couple we didn't walk far enough to lose sight of the car but after stepping foot in ankle deep snow he thought it would be hilarious to throw snow at me.  It was war!  He thinks he won but he was the one who returned to the car with snow in his shoes and hair while I merely had a snow covered coat so I think it is fair to say I was victorious.  The night was then spent cosily on the sofa with a Burrito picnic [creating plates and bowls full of fillings to make an exciting event of eating] and TV.  Found that I have a hidden skill for football talent spotting while watching Match of the Day with the boyfriend.  In all honesty my skill was in my girly appreciation for Jo.  I liked his simple name.  He scored 2 goals on his debut, and I was the one who spotted him as the next big thing, not the boyfriend!  Proud moment!  And now again, today has gone at some crazy speed, I surely must have slipped in to another coma at some point.  After deciding I want a chinchilla, me and the boyfriend went pet browsing.  Slightly apprehensive, as the review for the local pet shop reported them to be unfriendly [and I could certainly see which girl they meant by this] but we went nonetheless.  It was like entering a rainforest with a squawking parrot and tweeting birds everywhere.  The chinchillas weren't even awake.  Cute or not though, when I saw the cage size that dream was over.  Huge.  Where ever would I put that?!?!!

Back to life again for the week now though.  And having read an article in GradJobs magazine that stated "seven out of ten unemployed graduates experience clinical levels of distress" I am not really looking forward to this.  But hey, at least in my distressed state I know I'm not alone.  It also stated however, "you're happier, healthier and more motivated if you are in a job related to your career plans" so tip top reason to give to people who think I'm just being a work shy lazy bum... I'm already distressed, don't want to be making my mental state even worse.  I don't think anyone wants to deal with that!

I have successfully made it through the cheesecake without throwing up so time to get comfy and enjoy the Sunday night viewing on TV.  It is vital now that I embrace the sofa and lounge while I wait for the bloating and sickness to pass, I wouldn't want to move and unsettle it :P

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
Favourite Song Lyric_ You're so sad you should really buy a happy meal

With a dodgy door knocker that swings in the wind I find myself doubting whether there really is someone at the door now.  Add to that the fact I live on the top floor and can't hear a thing when I am in my room I generally just ignore the outside world now.  But I have found myself a new, and highly trustworthy, method of being sure there is someone at the door.  I call him Gizmo the Spaz.  Not the brightest dog in the world, but he is amazing in his own special little ways.  He doesn't like to be walked, he is a free spirit who likes to explore and sniff flowers, no-one walks that little shihtzu but himself.  Give him his lead and he happily walk himself home, rarely stopping to check back that I am still with him.  This week I have found a new use to this unique little man.  Doorbell!  Twice this week the postman has come with things too big to fit through the door.  I can't hear the door but I can hear my little spaz downstairs barking at it.  I wander down to see him stood at his gate staring up at me and then at the door.  After answering the door he sees his job as complete and wanders back to his bed.  He may not know how to play fetch [although I do believe this is because he sees this as demeaning to dogs as being walked and refuses to take part in such a pointless exercise] but in his own special ways my little spaz is a genius!  Corrie, the actual genius dog, who knows how to play fetch and even specified which can of dog food she wanted for tea last night, just sits in her bed ignoring the door.  Enjoying relaxing in her old age, ignoring the spaz dog.

I have given up on pilates already.  I also looked in to yoga.  There is a vast selection of videos for both on YouTube but I don't feel my mind is compatible with such relaxing and calming techniques.  I find them rather dull.  If I need to relax and calm down I shall stick to my tried and tested method of reading a magazine on my bed, and daydreaming my days away.  And of course, singing my heart out to Celine Dion like I am the next winner of X Factor helps too :D

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
Hours Until The Boyfriend Comes_ 5ish
Favourite Song Lyric_ The greatest love of all is easy to achieve, Learning to love yourself, It is the greatest love of all.

Today I got back to my exercising after 2 days off with a pulled muscle.  The muscle was still slightly sore but I'm possessed, I've got the exercise bug.  The fitter I get, the fitter I want to be.  And for a body obsessed girl, seeing the tape measure inches drop [possibly aided by slightly insane undereating issues] just makes me even more crazily obsessed.  So today, after I turned myself into a sweaty red mess moist looking beetroot I thought I would try out some pilates.  I havn't been able to attempt this DVD until now because I have a laminated floor but no exercise mat.  So, I did the sensible thing, and got an exercise mat.  I know pilates is meant to be relaxing and calming.  But after 10 minutes, I gave up in fear that I might just drop off to sleep on the floor.  I won't give up on it, but I really need to get in a different mood to make a success of that one in future.  After teaching me how to roll my neck properly, basically you take it from the centre to the left, then back to the centre and to the right.  Complex stuff!  She seemed to move on to the macarena... lift your head from the ground slightly and start with both hands behind your head, first move the left arm out then the right, then move the left arm back and then the right arm back.  It was at this stage that I gave up for the day.

Linking back to my perfume ad love of yesterday.  Today, I found another new one.  Once again, like Britney, it is a perfume brand that never fail to impress me.  And this time they even appealed to my love of quotations with this beauty  "Love is an exploding feeling".  Not the most subtle advertising a week before Valentines Day but it worked on me.  Shame it was an online ad and can't join Britney on the wall.  

I still havn't got back in to the website.  I'm currently having the standard designer problems of seeing it so much that I hate it and wonder what on earth was I thinking.  I really want to get back in to it but I think I may need to tweak the design a bit to give it some appeal back to me again.  Gives me more practice though so I suppose its not a terrible thing, and what else do I really have to do with most of my time apart from trying to get some actual muscle in my arm.  I have thighs of steel but biceps of mush, I like to think of it as cute and girly but really its quite shocking just how little strength there is.

The horoscope today_ You are on a roll. You are getting your own way at the moment - which is just the way you like it. However, you must watch out that you don't burn the candles at both ends. Be careful of your health.  Although I made a doctor's appointment earlier today, I don't see the relevance so I'm sad to say that I must put yesterday's down to a fluke.

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
Favourite Song Lyric_ And I know that you can make my wish, If my wish is pure.

Just a statistic?  I have already been feeling like a mere statistic of the recession and then today, my much trusted friend [Glamour magazine] told me that 38% of 20-24 year old women still live with their parents.  Made me feel much better about my dismal state of affairs still being at home.  Although, it does worry me that I'm only 22.  As far as the statistic goes I still have a potential 2 years left here.  I will be selling the Big Issue before then, 2 years is tooooo long to stay here! 2 more months feels like way too long right now.

My belief in horoscopes is once again in question.  This time in favour of them. My trusted friend [Glamour website] had this to say about my horoscope today... If you are looking for a job - or have some upheaval at work - you can depend on someone to support you today. They are admirers of your intellectual skills and they are ready to step in to offer help.  Today was the first day in quite some weeks that I have felt positive after a supportive chat with the best friend [a real one, not Glamour].  But then again, thinking logically in a recession, its quite an easy guess to throw in the mix for a lot of struggling Scorpios.  I shall check back tomorrow and judge then.

I certainly needed the chat with the best friend today after evil bitch lady from hell at the Job Centre.  Its a dreaded experience as it is without nasty sour-faced women making me feel worse.  Generally the ladies in there are nice and sympathetic to my plight [news possibly got round that I'm a bit of a crier] but this one is a piece of work.  Today was only the second time I have had her, but this was also the second time she had sent me away teary-eyed.  She seemed to take pleasure in telling me I'm due my 6 month review as soon as I sat down.  Six months?!?!! OMG!!! That alone is enough to make me cry.  But she then followed this with an assault of questions on how I am trying to find work.  The words themselves not particularly bad but the tone in which she delivered them and the disbelief in her voice that I can really be trying as hard as I can.  Because, of course, I really want to be receiving benefits rather than putting my hard-earned degree to use.

So, after my motivational, supportive chat with the best friend I wrote a lovely sycophantic letter to send out to local design agencies in the hope of getting a placement.  If I can't get a job then surely someone must want me to run around with tea and coffee for them.  I would hope they would let me chip in with work but just making tea and coffee would suit me.  I tried to send one today but it kept failing, father says perhaps their mailbox is just full so I should try again tomorrow.  I have lots of other companies listed to flatter and adore [and beg of course] tomorrow too so I am going to try my hardest to get up at a decent hour.  I felt so much better today from having a full day instead of just an afternoon :D

My trusted friend [you guessed it...] also brightened my day today with a nice new perfume ad.  I love perfume ads.  None of the infamous lesbian kiss poster on my university walls, just a lot of perfume ads.  They are the ultimate in sophisticated grown-up girliness.  The new one that caught my eye... Britney.  I love her.  No lesbian kiss but there was an ad with her face on my wall.  No Britney this time though, just the new perfume bottle and lots of glitteryness.  And what is my hidden fantasy?  I picked the cherry, apparently representing the first taste of love and supreme symbol of temptation.  In all honesty, I just like pictures of cherries.

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 1
Minutes Worrying About The Boyfriend's Valentines Present_ A lot
Slippy Snow Tumbles_ 0
Goals Scored By The Boyfriend_1 
Sleeps Until The Boyfriend_ 2

I have a fluffy sprouting four leaf clover, I have faerie cards and magical cards prediciting greatness, I have now added a star to my luck interventions.  I went outside to the washroom earlier, it wasn't quite dark but the moon was coming out and I saw one star in the sky.  A bright shining star that somehow caught my eye in the middle of the sky.  So I made a wish.  I checked it was a star first, looked out for other flashing lights or movement, I have a tendency to mistake planes for stars but there were no signs of this.  So hopefully its a legitimate star wish.....  Quite a vague wish really, I didn't want to be too specific but hopefully it will work.  Fingers crossed.  Next step, find a leprachaun.  They are meant to be lucky aren't they?  

Wishes_ 1
Fluffy Clover Sprouts_ 2
Leprachauns_ 0

Some girls collect shoes.  Some girls collect bags.  This girl collects knickers.  Pretty ones, Comfy ones, 'That time of the month' ons [began their lives as pretty ones but have come to the end of their regular use lifespan], Sexy ones, Seductive Ones, 'They looked so nice but go with nothing' ones.  Lots of knickers.  95% La Senza so perhaps I should consider buying some shares in them.  I have just been sorting through all my clean washing, which I spent most of yesterday doing because I don't like Mondays.  And because it really needed doing.  I knew I had quite a lot of knickers but I didn't realise quite how many.  It was as if they were all breeding in the laundry basket, a never ending supply of knickers to fold.  I fold my knickers.  Not because I'm anal, although admittedly I am, but because there are so many that to be able to find the pair I want it is necessary to organise them in neat piles of use and favourites.  I have also found that they take up less room when folded.

My motivation for life is still lacking.  I fear the PMT may be going on longer than I anticipated as I found yet more tears dancing their way down my face today.  I was not prepared for this, I was hoping for a happy week of productivity and positivity.  Instead, I seem to be battling laziness and negativity.  I am not alone though, I have found a friend in 'Quiet LIfe' tablets... To relive periods of worry, irritability, stresses,and strains.  I originally bought them in April to help me through my final rollercoaster month of degree madness but they also claim to "promote natural sleep" and at that particular time I could not afford to be sleeping so they were put to one side and I cried my way to a 2.1 [perhaps if I had cried a bit more I could have scored myself a First out of sympathy... too late for that now]  But today they worked their magic, or perhaps my annoyance with myself for being such a self-pitying fool worked its magic instead.  Maybe some fresh air and icy stumbling in to the Job Centre tomorrow will cheer me up... more for the fact I can wander around town after but generally it motivates me to apply for every job I lay my eyes on in an attempt to escape the torture of the place.

For now though I'm going to sit in my chilly room [I have opened the window to enjoy some fresh air, hoping for some mood boosting chemicals from the outside air] with Katy Perry singing away to me about kissing girls and waking up in Vegas [I don't kiss girls but I would kiss her].  Maybe I shall even read some of my book as I have been too tired to read it the past few nights and it has just got to the racy sex chapters.  Or perhaps I shall walk the dogs, surely laughing at myself falling over countless times will boost my mood.  Oh the endless possibilities for us unemployed folk.  I sooooooooo badly want a job please!!!

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 1
Minutes of the Day Used Productively_ 30ish [folding knickers]

Eventful would be the word for last night. The reason for the night being that Emily was moving away to Norwich to live with her boyfriend. Now, this in my opinion was quite a crazy move as it was as she is not best known for her relationships lasting. But I did not see this coming! Innocently dancing away, giving a few too many dirty looks to Burnley skanks, I was in my own little intoxicated world. Then over came Mark to declare "OMG, look over there! Emily is kissing Paul!" [Paul not being her boyfriend] My dirty looks had been redirected to my own skanky friend. I was in shock. And utterly disgusted. I would give my left leg to live just closer to the boyfriend, nevermind live with him. And there she was, kissing someone else the night before she got to do just that!!! My disgust later faded when we moved upstairs so all the friends could sit down. Not getting out much though, I didn't want to waste this opportunity for a dance. So I danced with myself. It was after a bit too much dancing that no-one remained standing. Not through choice, however. I took a tumble. Not as embarrassing as it could have been, we were in a corner and it was getting quite late so not many people were around, and I didn't fall to the floor at least. Instead I somehow lost all sense of my surroundings and walked backwards into a table. This table was only calf height so when my leg impacted with it I dropped. Was such a clumsy tumble that I couldn't pass it off as simply sitting down. Instead, I sat on a drink soaked table glowing a bright red with no choice but to laugh at myself. Will I ever be anything but the clumsy girl?

What better way to recover from a night out?  Go to Blackpool with mother and co.  Big mistake!  I generally don't suffer hangovers, just extreme dehydration and sickness if I eat.  I had made the mistake of eating.  I felt sick all day, I just wanted to be curled up on the sofa with the TV.  In the arcades I set to the 2p machines with the little brother.  Who doesn't enjoy putting in insane amounts of 2p coins, to win them back, and put them back in until you have no more 2ps left.  Granted, no-one likes to have a collection of 2ps in their purse so this would be a perfect place to get rid of them, but this was pound coins being changed in to 2ps to be cycled in and out a machine with the hope that maybe a keyring might drop [a keyring worth probably 50p, why not just buy one?]  After strolling around for a while [hoping that maybe someone might habe dropped 2p on the floor] we played some air hockey.  Never in my life have I found it so hard to lose.  The little brother is only 10, so although it is healthy for him to learn to lose, seeing how happy he was when he scored made me want to let him win.  I lost count of how many own goals he got, I thought I was going to win by no skill of my own.

My lucky four leaf clover has finally started to grow.  Father made it a greenhouse using a strawberry container and it has finally sprouted.  It looks furry, I know nothing about plants but father assured me this is perfectly normal and luck will be all mine in no time

Favourite part of my day has been seeing a snowflake.  Obviously, with it snowing I saw a lot.  But never before have I seen an actual snowflake properly up close.  Mother was smoking [she gave up but believes it will help suppress her appetite for her diet, she swears she will give up when she is down to 10 stone] so I had snow flying in at me in the backseat and one landed on my hand.  Until that moment, I thought that snowflake pictures and paper snowflakes from childhood were just some made-up image.  But they actually look like that.  I took a moment to ignore my sickness and just look down at it and smile at the beauty of nature.

Quote of the Day_ Mother "Did you have fun last night?  What time did you get home?  Was it after midnight?"

Bless her, I simply nodded rather than tell her it was about 4am.

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 0
Gallons of Water Drank_ 15,481,567