What do you doodle?  I doodle hearts, and sometimes flowers.  I would assume this is a sign of the happy, optimistic romantic within me.  I used to just write my name.  In year 7 I remember being told that this was a sign of a narcisstic personality.  I went to my great grandma's house last night.  Walking up the driveway I was still expecting her to just be sat, more than likely dozing off while wathing countdown, in her chair.  The house is almost empty.  The furniture is slowly but surely being removed and the living room is just littered with piles of clutter.  Even in this state, it is STILL not real.  She is in hospital.  She is moving house.  My mind is happy to accept any possibility but the truth.  I still felt like she was there.  Scattered around the clutter was my name.  An empty notebook with a page of tea break requests in the back and 6th June 1994 Victoria in the front.  A colouring book with the occassional scribble by the brother, and maths questions and my name in the front page.  I like my name.  I have had it drilled in to me that I was christened Victoria, not Vicky, from a very young age.  I don't mind Tori.  I do NOT like Vic or Vicky.  Perhaps my name does give my personality a narcisstic element, not only did I write it everywhere when I was young, but even now I feel that being a Victoria makes me just that bit better than a Vicky.  Its much more proper and classy than a shortened version.  I may be a pain, I know it is a mouthful, but its my name.  I got myself some more keepsakes last night.  I was happy with just the thimble.  But last night I felt overwhelmed by a need to keep as many things of hers as I could.  Its only stuff.  My memories aren't part of a rocking chair ornament, or hand painted plates, but I just couldn't help myself.  I drew the line at the pallet knife she used to ice cakes but it did hurt me to see it go to someone who would see it as just an icing knife opposed to the knife that she used every Christmas when she filled her days with baking.

Mother told me yesterday that they have finished interviewing so I should know sometime soon.  I can't help but be filled with negativity though.  The longer unemployment drags on, the more I doubt myself and my skills.  I certainly do not possess self loving narcissm in that aspect of my life.

It is the best friend's birthday today.  I had totally forgotten until she invited me for a meal at the start of the week.  It would be forgivable with other people, I am amazing at remembering birthdays but I am no human calendar.  She is called April though, there really is no excuse for forgetting the birthday of someone named after the month.  Should hopefully be nice to get out of the house tonight though and feel a bit less like a recluse.  And what girl wouldn't look forward to a night of cocktails?

"All of these are names given me by other people, but not names I would have given myself.  My name is not mine, it's theirs.  It's a series of costumes put on my life by other people."_ Robert Fulghum

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