I spent most of the day at the mothers house today.  The boyfriend is having a reunion with his university chums so his communication with me is rather limited.  I would never stop him spending time with friends, I refuse to be one of those psycho controlling girlfriends, but it doesn't mean I have to like my lonely time.  So I spend as much time up at the mothers house as possible.  This house may have its advantages being a mini-mansion with my bedroom hidden away at the top of the tower away from the scummy step family, but it is a lonely place, so when I am feeling down or alone I much prefer the little house up the road.   Before I even got through the door mother told me to say hello to our guest, I was so confused... although a little hope was burning within me that we were babysitting a dog for someone.  So, it would be fair to say that I was disappointed when I wasn't greeted by a friendly barking face.  I wasn't greeted by anyone, or anything.  Is mother losing her marbles?  She was drunkenly telling me that she saw my great grandma the other night, the alcohol infused state made me doubtful of her ramblings, so I wondered if maybe she was referring to her ghostly visit.  I wish she was.  Instead, I was greeted by a box.  The only other box that has greeted me was a few years ago.  My beautiful dalmatian as nothing more than ashes, there was some pink in the mix too, do they add confetti to cheer it up a bit?  So when I realised just who the visitor was I shut down.  I shuddered at the thought of the realisation of my great grandma being nothing more than ashes [and confetti?] and refused to acknowledge it as anything more than just a random box in the corner.  I'm still not sure if I have to come terms with the fact that she is gone,  but regardless, I could not let myself accept the box as anything more than a box, I just can't go through it again.

"But I can say with all my ups and downs, I have been blest and I do think if we only look back the way we have been led, there is much to be thankful for, and so many things have happened in my life that are really worth taking note of, and do hope they will encourage all who may read them, and bear in mind that in the darkest hour there is a silver lining, and always something to be thankful for"_ Mrs Crowther.  Lots of historic gems have come from cleaning out my great grandma's house.  The history fanatic within me has been loving it.  From my great grandad's wartime recipe book to my great great grandads school certificate, I have been in history heaven.  But today has given me my favourite gem so far.  Who needs quotations from famous people when you have such special ones from your ancestors.  It was only four pages long but I could hardly sit still as I read through my great great great grandma's [is that right? my great grandma's grandma...] autobiographical account of her life.  I moan and I whinge that I can't find a job a year after I have graduated, while this lady lost her eye in a shuttle accident in a mill when she was only 25 [a week before she was supposed to get married I might add!] but still didn't seem to complain. Instead she appeared grateful that she at least managed to keep the sight in her other eye and got married 3 months later.  I do wonder to myself a lot why people today are so selfish and very rarely grateful for the good things in their lives.  I hate that I am one of those people, the fact that even though I recognise that there is always something to be thankful for I still can't help but whinge about what I don't have instead of just being happy for everything I do have.  I've written down that quote from the super great grandma as a reminder to myself to be more grateful and patient with life... everything happens in time.

That's enough of the deep and meaningfuls, I had an appointment with the nurse on Thursday.  I already got my repeat prescription but I made my appointment 3 weeks ago and I didn't want to become just another 'missed appointment' statistic, a number in the waiting room to shame those people who have wasted precious time that could have been used on another patient.  Yes, I am a goody two shoes!  I had already become quite obsessive with my food and exercise since a bit of water retention the other week fooled me in to believing I had become a big bloated bear who was eating far too much.  But I was still my normal 9 and a half stone so nothing too serious to worry about, I was even happy to tell the nurse when she asked me... that was until she told me that my last weigh-in in October I had been 57kgs.  I took a note of this number to convert it the second I left because apparently now I am 60kgs, which normally I would have been amazed by... until I discovered that before father bought the bathroom scales, I was under 9 stone!!!  I thought I was 10 stone, I thought I had lost half a stone, not gained it.  I didn't think my body had even been under 9 stone since I was a schoolgirl.  The anorexic within me was ANGRY.  And so the food obsession is on, hopefully it will only last a week or two and then I will return to my happy 60kg state.

And now back to work on the boyfriend's 2 year anniversary present, I have been working on it for a week and still I am only half way in to it.  He had better like it!  On the bright side of not getting to see him this weekend, I get him for 3 weekends in a row in May, I feel like the luckiest girl on the planet!!!

Jobs Applied For_ 4
Tears_3
5-a-day?_ Slacking a bit
Chocolate_ Who knew how much fat was in Chocolate Buttons... shocking!!!

ps - I know it is spelt 'blessed' - I despise wrong spelling and don't want to be accused of it but mother says it is Victorian spelling so who am I to argue?