Diary Of A Design Graduates Dreams

Upon reflection, I have come to the conclusion that I am better than them.

With the father still not home from his holiday, and in desperate need of company and parental cuddles, I walked up to the mothers house.  After all, mothers are amazing!  The father is equally amazing, but in a different way... and as I said, he still hasn't returned from sunny Spain.  As I arrived mother was already busy searching the job websites for me, determined to give me a boost as quickly as possible, unfortunately the suggestion of 15 hours a week walking children to school didn't really do the trick [it sounded like a slightly overrated lollipop lady job... if I'm going to be doing silly jobs while I wait for my moment to shine then I would at least like it to be full time, and away from noisy groups of children].  I was doing well, the emotions were under control after I had decided on the walk up that I would consider phoning the doctors tomorrow [it wouldn't do me any harm would it] but after about 10 minutes they resurfaced.  I cry a lot, but very rarely in front of people [other than the poor boyfriend who gets them far too often] because I have an outer shell that guards me from public breakdowns.  But today was too much for the shell to take and tears seeped through the cracks.  Luckily mother was on hand with much needed comforting words and cuddles... although the poor brother didn't do too well from it with her saying that he was a lucky one who could fall in crap and still come up smelling of roses with the job he got [I know parents aren't meant to favour their children but everyone knows they do, and generally my brains put me ahead of the brothers in the race for number 1 child in mother's eyes].  So once again she calmed me and set me to work installing Microsoft Word so that she could write a letter to her place of work on my behalf to request feedback [she is still furious and giving dirty looks to my evil interviewer on a daily basis] and then to use her secretarial skills to help me with future cover letters.

But now I am home again, the father still hasn't returned.  But having given it thought, I am now in the angry stage of rejection, I am way better than them.  I would have loved the job, merely to say that I had a job and to feel like I am finally doing something with my life, like it finally got started... but in fairness their idea of good design was a flick in the bottom corner of the front page to make it look like the page was turned, which I personally thought was hideous [perhaps they saw the disgust in my eyes?].  I would have embraced the opportunity to work there and boost my CV but I am better than them.  They would have been lucky to have my creative skills.  Instead another company, with a much better eye for talent and design, shall enjoy my input [someday] and this one shall continue down the outdated cheap looking design road that it currently walks down.  But for now, I shall continue to shop at Spar and launch a boycott amongst my friends against the company [which I shall not name so that I don't get in to trouble].   Now that the anniversary present is complete I shall get back to work with the website, and appeal to EVERY single design company I can find.

But for now I am going to catch up on my soaps and watch my new TV addiction 'The Rachel Zoe Project'.... maybe I should just go in to fashion with all my programme addictions and love of Glamour, they are filling my brain up with more knowledge than I ever thought possible

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 3
Note to self_ Stop being a depressive maniac and keep remembering the good things in life like the family and the boyfriend, and the few great friends who are always there

A year ago today I was in a crazy sleep-deprived emotional state.  I was in hysterics telling the head of interior design that I hated my work and thought it was awful.  He disagreed and sent me home to bed.  A year on, although not sleep deprived or stressed by final deadlines, I am in a crazy emotional state.  A year since my final ever university deadline I feel like I havn't moved on with my life at all.  I feel trapped and can see no way out.  But I was coping better with the day than I expected sat in an empty shop reading 1984 to pass the hours between rare customers.  Then I got home.  I never expect to get jobs, EVER.  But for some reason that never makes the rejection any easier to handle.  The optimist that is squashed way deep down inside me always tries to hope that maybe the next one might be the one, but then when it isn't the manic depressive loses all control and sends me in to an emotional frenzy.  I hate my life.  Nothing ever goes right.  I'm NEVER going to get a job.  I can't see any way out of this dark tunnel, if there is a light at the end it must be night because I can't see anything.  Mother turned in to a man... you know the type, offering suggestions opposed to sympathy like a woman is supposed to.  I am an intelligent girl, I know the suggestions.  Its not the suggestions that I want, or need.  I just want love and support, and nice ego-boosting comments [although preferrably not Everything happens for a reason because I am sick of that one, I am sick of this stupid reason that this keeps happening].  In all honesty, the job didn't particularly excite me.  I wasn't inspired by their design or the prospect of their hideous uniform.  But I was excited by the prospect of having a job, of finally feeling like my life was going somewhere and getting a step on the ladder.  In her attempt to calm me mother suggested a trip to the doctors, I can't imagine any mother wants to hear their child saying they hate life, but I'm still not convinced I want to go down the anti-depressants route.  I would rather get through it by myself, as hard as it is I can at least look back and know that I managed it myself... but at times like this I can't help but think that maybe a few happy pills wouldn't hurt.  So much for signs though... and faith?  The Big Man isn't doing a great job of keeping me in his flock, only the fear of not believing is keeping me at the moment.

But I don't like to be seen as the depressive moaning type, even though I know at times I can be, so I'm going to think of something happy to say now.  Father is back from his holiday today, I barely see him about the house but I've been feeling incredibly lonely knowing that he won't be coming home each night.  Bit sad that I won't be able to free the dogs from their prison to sit and watch TV with me anymore though.

New amusing addition to the same anniversary card story... we have the wrong cards.  When I went to read it last night for a reminder of his loving words I was faced with my own red handwriting, the silly boyfriend picked up the one with his own handwriting in to take home.  Silly silly.

Jobs Applied For_ 0
Tears_ 1
5-a-day?_ Success