"On behalf of every man, looking out for every girl, you are the god and the weight of her world"_ John Mayer.

Like I said yesterday, I couldn't have asked for a better family.  And as if to prove a point both the parents were on excellent form tonight.  I had been feeling ok today, I had been playing with grass on my 3d visualising program for the boyfriend.  After 3 years of using it I still get overexcited when something looks real, and today it was the grass.  The distraction and focus has definitely been good for me; like the website designing made me feel like my days had a purpose a few months ago, this visualising and stepped up job hunt has made my days feel less wasted again.  But then, seemingly for no reason; I couldn't put my finger on what had caused it, but from nowhere I began to feel quite down.

Mother's spidey-senses kicked in and while I was feasting on my beans on toast she phoned me to invite me on a trip to Tesco.  So off I went, I'm not a particularly big fan of Tesco but I could do with browsing the aisles for fathers day.  And ultimately I was going to go up for a visit anyway to get in my exercise with a bit of time on the Wii with the little brother, and after my aching arms from the weekend's Wii boxing I figured that this was a surefire way to build up my obviously pathetic arm muscles.  I try my best not to win too often because he is quite a sore loser, I am far too competitive myself and hate to lose but you have to do these things for love.  After a few rounds of golf he left me to play out with his friend.  But I admit, I am Victoria and I am a Wii addict.  So I stayed up in his bedroom to play by myself, after all this was my days exercise, it had to be done.  I heard the finishing tune of Emmerdale and heard some footsteps coming up.  It was mother coming up to see how I am, I fear both the parents are under the impression I may take one too many paracetamol any day now.  So I invited her to play with me... now the sight of the little brother playing, and the concentration on the boyfriends face is funny enough but mother took it to a whole new level with her boxing.  Nobody looks their best on that console, and I'm still praying that the boyfriend never feels the need to put his video of me seemingly making sex noises while I struggle to row my canoe on YouTube, but watching mother playing tonight certainly brightened my day......

.....until I got home.  Bring on parent number 2.  The dreaded question when I am feeling low; "Are you ok?"..... a failsafe method to bring on the tears.  It is my kryptonite.  He had been sat in the room playing with his laptop for a bit but it was when he was leaving that he noticed me looking sad.  He had one foot out the door when he asked the question.  He was going nowhere.  The floodgates opened.  "Whats wrong?".... another question that generally just causes tears while I try to take some charge of my brain and formulate a sentence to express my feelings.  Today the feelings weren't step mother related, I still don't know if I will ever have the heart to bring that up, but I did pour out my heart about everything else.  There was a short pause while he talked me out of my hyperventilating state, but there were lots of cuddles.  He isn't good with emotions so I don't expect a lot from him in these situations but to just be there to hold me and be my daddy.  When I had calmed down I got some time to talk to him, I don't talk to him a lot... he is a man always on the go, or lost in the big maze that is my home.  Given my recent questioning of my religious beliefs I questioned him on why he had given up on his.  I was surprised to hear that he hadn't, well not completely at least.  He is an engineer so he has a very science based belief system which ultimately contradicts with religion but at the same time he is a very spiritual man who believes in everything and nothing.  He can't believe in one superior being but he will not rule out the many alternative beliefs of people, how can he prove them to be right or wrong?  And apparently Stephen Hawkin believes in God, and so did Darwin... who would have thought it.  A bit later he popped back down with some CDs for me to copy for him, apparently he keeps forgetting to do it and he needs to give them back to his friend soon.  Mindfulness Meditation.  What a handy time for him to remember...........

I spoke to a friend I grew up with in church today also.  Who better to turn to when in religious crisis?  I believe that God will not give anyone more than they can handle, and that suffering must be a part of life... but I do not feel I can handle my load at the moment. "God is always there and gives you the tools you need to get through it" were his wise words.  Nonsense, I thought.  I'm struggling to get through it and see no tools.  I see my tools now; from the boyfriend talking me through it on Friday night to the parental never ending love and support, and the thoughtful friends always there to talk to when I need them.

Jobs Applied For_ 1
Tears_ A waterfall
5-a-day? A general appetite would help...