"Dreams are necessary to life"_ Anais Nin
Considering last night I had a dream that I was taken hostage on a double decker bus and all forced to the back on the top deck [where I suddenly became extremely claustrophobic as the bus was at a bizarre angle that made it seem it was falling off the edge of a cliff... it was parked in the centre of town] I have decided to take today's quotation to mean life dreams and ambitions, opposed to the strange workings of the mind during nocturnal hours.
I have been avoiding writing down my feelings the past few weeks; despite it being for the best to write down things to help work through them I have decided against it because I hate to appear as a depressive type who just sits about in a self-pitying state all the time. Today was the day to get that sorted. I sat in the waiting room shaking uncontrollably, barely able to concentrate on one single thought, nervously looking up at the screen waiting for my name to appear. When it appeared I just wanted it to go away; why was I here? I don't have an infection, no lumps, bumps or breakages. I built up my courage and off I went, still shaking like a leaf when I reached his door. I sat down, still not sure after three weeks of thinking about it just how I was going to bring it up. "So what can I do for you today" said the lovely doctor who has been looking after me since I was just a tiny toddler needing a house call. Still shaking, I took a deep breath in an attempt to control the inevitable tears. "Erm.... [the unwelcome tears arrive just in time for me to say] I cry all the time, I cry too much" Well, I suppose that is my problem. I was hoping that with my grammatical abilities I could come up with something a bit better than that but unfortunately not. So I sobbed my way through my doctor's appointment. I refused to self-diagnose and say I'm depressed because I don't think its a term to be used lightly, even after he said it himself I'm still not convinced; I'm just struggling a bit, lots of people are, I just cry about it a bit more than the average person, its just a bit of a sad time in my life. I still have an optimist inside cheering me on, reminding me that I'm not in control of the flawed banking systems, and that its not that I'm not good enough [even at a time when my confidence is at an all time low I still believe that I am an amazing designer, I am good at what I do and any company would be lucky to have me, its just a case of finding a way to show them] but unfortunately the crazy manic depressive running about in my brain has too much control at the moment and just loves to cry. Given the option of anti-depressants or counselling, I went straight for the counselling. I fear nothing more than anti-depressants; life is to be lived and emotions are there for a reason. The tears suck at the moment but it is part of being human to experience them and find a way through; to appreciate life more when they are gone and to feel like you are a stronger person for coming out the other side without fooling your brain in to being happier. And like BT have always said "It's good to talk". I want to understand why I cry more than other people, I want to talk my way through it and learn new ways to cope.
On Saturday night I had my first night out in months. I often forget about my school friends, I put my university friends on much higher pedestals. Perhaps because I feel like I became a different person through university, grew up and felt my life go in a different direction to that of many of my school friends. But having seen them all [well, a select few... some of them really have drifted away from the group] again on Saturday I love them all again. From having so much to drink that I somehow got over my fear of piggy back rides in the middle of a [rather quiet] bar to breaking down and bearing my soul to Ben the psychology friend, it was a rather eventful night. In all honesty I fear I was already drunk before I even left the house, discussing the claret and blue lights on the town hall clock with random people at the cash machine, and then following this with telling everyone I saw... fair to say I am proud of my newly Premier League home team I think.
This weekend is boyfriend weekend so hopefully the week will go fast in my excitement. Although with all the company researching I have to do to send my CV off to every design company in the country [again!] it hopefully won't go by too quickly.
"Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, ife is a broken winged bird that cannot fly"_ Langston Hughes
Jobs Applied For_ 3
Tears_ 1
5-a-day?_ Success!
