Thursday 20 August 2009, 6:20pm _  The chocolate sacrifice for Lent apparently didn't gain me enough karma points so I'm going to try again.  I am going to face my fear.  I am going to be selfless [as selfless as one can really be when selfishly trying to gain karma points].  I am going to save lives.  I am going to give blood.

Fear of needles - check.
Squeamish disposition - check.

The perfect candidate for blood donation?  I fear I may pass out and need my blood back before my donation is even complete but I feel I should at least attempt it.  The mother always says I have a very rare blood type.  People need my blood.  But just to think of the experience, far beyond the terrifying BCG of year 11, an estimated 10 minutes with a needle in my arm.  They say you don't need to look at the blood.  But how can you not?  Who can resist looking at disturbing things, just out of curiosity?  No need for any gory details but as a member of the female population I see blood on a pretty regular basis, but after almost 10 years I have become immune to the sight of this particular event.  Normal blood, the type that comes from accidents and injuries, and flowing in to large bags for donation still makes me feel ill at the thought, I can barely stand the sight of the little brother tearing off a plaster.  Can my weak stomach really handle the experience of my blood being drained out in to a bag?  I want to save lives.  I want to make a difference.  I want those karma points up for grabs.  But I'm a total wuss!  Hopefully a month will be long enough to build up the courage to face the fear, after all... the only way to combat fear is to face it right?  Is it?  I caught a moth once but I havn't been able to face that fear again.

The job hunt has taken a back seat this week.  I am still browsing the sites, the guilt is too intense when I dare not to.  But this week my new focus has been learning my driving theory.  I started lessons when I was 17.  Oh how I wish I had just got on with it and got it out of the way.  Five years later I still can't drive.  I started learning again last summer.  But after a scary incident on the road [a car was coming toward me and I really didn't feel like we would both fit.... so in a fit of terror I put my foot on the brake and stopped randomly in the road] my confidence was destroyed.  So I gave up again.  Third time lucky now?  With no other real focus I have become possessed.  When I want to learn I will learn.  I will obsess over it until I can write my own book about it.  Yesterday I took stopping distances to a new geeky level.  Not happy to simply memorise the numbers, I put my maths brain to work and figured out the formula to work them out.  I do not have a memory brain.  I have a mathematical, logical brain.  Now to use the logical brain of mine to figure out where on earth I could have put my driving license all those years ago.

Time to go check out my fitness on the little brother's Wii... because apparently not being able to keep a tennis ball within the boundaries of the court makes me as fit as an 80 year old?!?!!  Must work on that.......